Both my babies started school today! Honestly, I thought I was going to jump up & down when I dropped them both off & had the day to myself. Well, I admit. I cried like a little baby after I dropped them both off. It is the sudden realization that my babies are growing up. I am no longer the only & primary influence in their lives. They will be under someone else’s care for 35 to 40 hours a week. It was much harder to leave Chloe because she is only 3. For Jordyn, it felt like it was time. When you turn 5, the natural order of things is to start Kindergarten. I was able to stay home with Jordyn during the day until she started school. Things are just different with Chloe. Our situation & lives are different. If I continued my work schedule the way it was (working nights & weekends), I would never see Jordyn. I would have only seen her when I dropped her off at school & a bit on the weekend. This is the best compromise that we have been able to come up with. My shift in work schedule has also allowed Blair to be able to work on his Master’s degree at night.

My heart was sad all day. I cried & cleaned house & cried & cleaned house & cried some more. I was reminded of a quote one time that said, “to become a parent is like having your heart walk around on the outside of your body for the rest of your life.” After 5 years of being a parent, I can say that I now fully understand this statement. As a parent you are always thinking about your children & worrying over you children. When your child gets hurt, you hurt. When your child gets picked on, you want to defend them. When your child goes to school the first time, you want to experience it with them. As they grow up, they start pulling away & depend on you less and less. I thought that my heart would rejoice as they became more independent, but my heart has grown sad. It is something that you can’t fully understand until you have children of your own.

Chloe & Jordyn both came home with a smiley face & not a sad face. Chloe’s paper said that she was a little fussy, but was a good helper. Jordyn’s favorite things so far are riding the school bus to daddy’s school, being the line leader & going to the bathroom all by herself. They are both completely exhausted! Jordyn is whiney & dramatic about everything. I am sure it will be like that for a few days until she gets used to her new routine & doing so many activities throughout the day.

Wow, the summer has flown by! Our summer in a nutshell:

• I started back to work full time.
• Blair finished his first term of graduate school at AUM (with a 4.0 I might add!).
• Jordyn turned 5.
• Chloe turned 3.
• We still haven’t found a church.
• Blair played super dad during the day while I worked.
• The girls spent a weekend at my mom’s house in Pensacola & enjoyed the beach.
• I was diagnosed with PCOS (Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome).
• Blair & I both were stung by yellow jackets. I had a nice allergic reaction.
• Jordyn started waking up at night, alot!
• Since my schedule changed I & stopped working all nights, we had many family dinners together. The first time in 5 years we have all been home most evenings.
• Jordyn lost 2 teeth & has 2 more that are loose.
• Chloe is almost potty trained.

The summer has brought many changes & challenges. We are now preparing for the weeks to come. Blair started back work today & will start his second semester of graduate school next week. Jordyn has her first day of Kindergarten on Thursday. Chloe starts preschool on Monday. I am looking forward to all these changes because I will get a WHOLE day to myself during the week without anyone else to take care of. I work most Saturdays, so this will free up a day off during the week. Also, on the weekends where I work Sundays too, I will get 2 days!

My heart is so heavy today. In fact, I think it is actually dragging the ground……..

Free by Shawn Mcdonald

I feel like the weight of the world is, Crashing down on me
& some how I just don’t believe, This how it is suppose to be
All this expectation on, the way I’m suppose to live
Becomes my minds distraction, with nothing left to give

You said your burden is light & Your load is no more
You said your ways are right & in you I will soar

I want to be free, Free to dance & free to sing
Free to live & learn & free oh, free to be me

I feel like my Heart is being Beat, down into the ground,
In you I’m longing for some peace, to be found
I know the heaviness that’s, making me cold
Is stealing my youthful soul & making me old

You said your burden is light & Your load is no more
You said your ways are right & in you I will soar

I want to be free, Free to dance & free to sing
Free to live & learn & free oh, free to be me

I think I am going to take a “fast” from reading blogs. Either everyone I know completely has all of their crap together & their lives are perfect….Or, people choose to only share the things that are going great & not true, honest struggles. Unfortunately, at the stage of life that I am in right now, I end up feeling worse & wondering what the heck is wrong with me. Everyone else has perfect children, perfect parents, a perfect life. Well, I struggle with being a good mother, I struggle in my relationship with my mother, I struggle with feeling overwhelmed at work sometimes, I struggle with being the wife that my husband needs, I struggle in being faithful in spending time with Christ.

Sometimes I wish that I could appear more that way (that I have all my junk together or just not share), but it is just not who I am. All I can ever remember, even as a teenager, is being an open, transparent person. I have always been characterized as “down to earth”. This has always been a compliment in my eyes & not a negative.

I have heard the comment that my blog can be depressing at times. Well, this is the stage of life that I am in at the moment. And I am okay with that. I have to explore & grow through this time. It feels better to vent about it & let it out than try to be fake & hold it all in. I don’t have the energy right now that would even require. I am not trying to breed negativity in any way. If that were the case, I would be calling everyone I know & constantly complaining, etc. I choose to vent on my blog in a healthy way. This is just my journey, nothing else………….

God is faithful & constantly changing me.

Did you know that you can go three to four whole days without showering? All you need is some deodorant, a ponytail holder, and some mascara and NO ONE WILL EVER KNOW.  (okay, so everyone will know, but at least you can’t be accused of not putting forth the effort)

At the moment I don’t feel like throwing anything across the room or at a wall. This is a good moment.

This blog definitely needs more cowbell.

I can safely blame iTunes when my children ask why I can’t help pay for their college education.

Although a Diet Pepsi doesn’t necessarily cancel out french fries, it does leave more room for a Frosty.

When three shots of espresso have no noticeable effect on your energy level, it’s time for professional help.

Britney Spears is all growed up.

I enjoy it when people stop being polite and start getting real!

Whose idea was it to make mornings so early in the morning?

Okay. I admit it. I was depressed when they sent my man, rocker Chris, home.

1. Act like you didn’t just pull out in front of me. I’ll act as if I didn’t just make that hand gesture in your direction
2. Drive like a grandma, all slow and wiggly and crap.
3. Offer a six-months same as cash option on a loan. You may as well just beat me up and steal my wallet.
4. Grow your sideburns into the shape and size of Louisiana. It’s hurtful.
5. Wash your car with a squeegee and two paper towels at Chevron. I thought I was white trash.
6. Shake those Christmas presents I just put under the tree. Don’t be crying when I slap your hands.
7. Refuse to let Britney grow up. Apparently, she’s not that innocent.
8. Tell me to stop drinking so much caffeine. You’re my OBGYN, what do you know?
9. Shave your face in the sink and leave a two-foot puddle of hairy water brimming on the countertop.
10. Write me a ticket for going only 25 mph over the speed limit. Be glad you caught me when I was obviously sedated.
11. Drive four inches behind the car in front of you, at 87 mph.
12. Slow down to a complete stop at an intersection that clearly doesn’t require it. Stop signs are just suggestions.
13. When I catch you picking your nose in your car, instantly pretend that it was just an itch you had to scratch. That’s a mighty deep itch.
14. Get together with your band of birds and poop all over my mailbox.
15. Call me while I’m sleeping, and after I tell you that I’m sleeping, continue to jabber like a monkey.
16. Use the last piece of toilet paper in the whole state of Alabama, leaving me to fend for myself.
17. Call me ma’am over & over. I am only 30 dangit!!!!
18. Refer to me as Mrs. Andress. I keep looking around for my mother-in-law.
19. Defile the sacred and holy Oreo by eating it all at once, you insensitive, uncivilized turd. You must first remove one of the crunchy chocolate sides by slowly twisting the cookie in half. Then you lick white filling until it has been completely removed using your teeth only when necessary and even then very delicately so as not to scar the tender inner cookie. And then, THEN you may eat each chocolate half one at a time. Slowly. This is the only way to honor the Oreo.
20. Destroy the pile of clothing that I have just folded, ripping and jerking and tossing clothes across the room with such exasperation you’d think that you had ANYTHING to be exasperated about. I’m folding YOUR clothes. BOW BEFORE ME.
21. Discover and proceed to explore your private parts while I’m trying to change your poopy diaper. Just stop.
22. Whole. Raisins. Undigested. In the poop.
    Raisins she ate only two hours ago. Potty train, soon!
    
23. Flap your arms like a migrating duck while I try to put your clothes on. . Hold still, kid!
24. Pronounce Walmart like Wal-Marts. Have you no soul?
25. Give me that stern, exasperated look when I lift up on the car door handle at the precise moment you try to unlock the car. I cannot help it. It is a genetic disorder.
26. Ask me if your fart stinks as if I would actually consider undertaking that investigation.
27. Scream as I pull a shirt over your head and stick your arm through the sleeve, as if this is some sort of new torture I am inflicting on you, as if you haven’t had a shirt pulled over your head every single day of your life. Still youngun.
28. Sneeze and spew 40 apple jacks out of your mouth across the room. One at a time, baby. one. at. a. time. child.
29. Forget to tell me that you have turned the toaster to level burn the crap out of it, and then when I go to toast a waffle I burn down the neighborhood.
30. Give my child a toy that makes noise. May you contract a flesh eating disease and have your guts devoured by locusts. LOUD locusts.
31. Poop so violently that it shoots out your diaper, up your back, and into your hair. Who taught you that?
32. Wait until I lie down to take a nap before you call me. My phone never rings.
33. Smear your sticky hands on the oven door & dishwasher door one more time.
34. Suggest that I name my baby Bob so that they will never write their name backwards.
35. Ask me how to spell Miranda 3 times. It isn’t like I am asking you to spell scrumpdillyishus.
36. Sign up to do an episode of “Trading Spaces” and act all surprised when the designer replaces your bedspread with ASTRO TURF. What did you expect?
37. Charge me $4.50 for a cup of coffee and then tell me to stir it myself. For $4.50 you’d better be wiping my tail.
38. Continue driving 50 miles an hour in the far left fast lane. Slow traffic keep right! Did you not notice the 8 million cars passing you on the right?
39. When someone asks why it takes a WHOLE hour for me to make a pair of eyeglasses. Have you not heard the words, Hand Crafted Eyewear.
40. Okay…..I will stop now. Everyone should have a blog so that they can vent, rage, laugh & just let it all hang out.

There’s beauty in our brokenness. There’s God in our emptiness. Without that brokenness, without that emptiness, we tend to forget that we need God in the day to day. All God wants is for us to seek him and sometimes all that keeps us seeking God is the realization that we need him; only in our times of deepest need do we come to that realization.

When we are broken, God fixes us just like he always does. The process is often long and can be painful, but in the end, we come out so much better. We come out as a great and beautiful work of our wonderful Creator.

For the past several weeks I feel like I have been fighting a losing battle. I’m doing everything I know how to do to cope with feelings of hopelessness and frustration and an overwhelming sense of failure.

Some days I stare eternity in the face and I think about how many diapers I will change that will only get dirty, towels I will wash that will only become soiled, dishes I will load into the dishwasher that we’ll use to eat again and again, and I feel utterly useless, as if I am fighting a battle that cannot be won.

Some days my life is reduced to an hour by hour game of survival and I don’t feel like I’ll make it another 15 minutes and I can’t believe I feel this way and I can’t stop crying.

I hate feeling this way.

Chemical depression runs in my family: my father (when he was alive), aunts, uncles, grandparents, etc. Too much is misunderstood about depression, and too many people do not take it seriously. Everyone has an opinion & judgment about depression & medication. “Christians” seem to be the most judgmental of all sometimes. They assume you are not bringing your problems to God in prayer or that you do not have enough faith. Or they say, “It is Satan’s attack.” yada, yada, yada. I love God with all my heart & cling to him desperately. All I know is the reality of my life & feelings. For many months & months, I have felt totally alone, frustrated & defeated. Finally, I have admitted that I needed to seek help. I want to feel like ME again. There have been short seasons in life where I have dealt with depression. Again, I have entered a season. I don’t want to just “make” it through each day. I want to enjoy life. I want to find happiness in things that used to thrill me! Music, scrapbooking, my children, my marriage!

Listen to music a little louder, dance a little crazier, sing out loud in the shower, honk your horn for no reason, give your dog an extra treat, call your mother and tell her you love her, hug your friends even if they aren’t the touchy-feely type, eat french fries once even though your diet tells you not to, walk around your house naked, and hold tight to your family!

Warning sarcasm enclosed:

Note to men

When the trash can is overflowing, you have to take the trash to the outdoor trash can for it to be picked up.

You have to actually plug in the vacuum & move it around the room for it to work.

Clothing has to be put in the washing machine for them to be cleaned. Placing the clothes in the dirty laundry basket is a good place to start.

Children under the age of 5 do not actually clean up after you nor themselves.

When you are finished using an item (ex: hairbrush, toothpaste, etc), put the item back where it belongs. Then, next time you need it, it will be located where you can find it.

If it is a piece of trash (ex: wadded up tissue, empty soda can) throw it into the trash can.

If the counter is sticky, wipe it with a damp cloth.

If the floor has bits of food or trash on it, use a broom to sweep it up.

If there are toys everywhere, pick them up & place them in the toy baskets.

If there are bits of trash & leaves on the carpet, the vacuum will get this up.

If you lose a kid in the yard because the grass is too tall, it may be time to cut the grass.

There is not a button on the T.V. remote control labeled cleaning mode.

When the dishwasher is overflowing, you may actually have to turn it on & run the clean cycle. Also, after the cleaning cycle is finished, the clean dishes have to be taken out & put away in the correct cabinet.

****This post was in no way, shape, or form directed at the man in my life.

A mother had to have come up with the phrase- “Same doo-doo, different day.”