I have copied and pasted an article below from relevantmagazine.com. I read this article this morning & it really struck a cord with me….

I am a complete mess.

That is how I’ve felt lately. I don’t think anyone else thinks so, which in some ways is maybe what is so tragic about it.

I have a friend who doesn’t hide it from anyone that she’s got issues. It seems like every time I talk to her I feel like I’ve been puked on. She tells me the trashier details of her life. She tells me about the guy who she went home with last weekend after a night of clubbing. She calls me frantically when she is afraid that she is pregnant or contracted an STD. She complains about the squishy part of her hips that never disappears despite her obsession with aerobics. She asks me if she should consider liposuction. She shows me her latest round of credit card purchases from Nordstrom’s, and then tells me she’s considering filing for bankruptcy.

I look like a porcelain doll compared to her. But, the porcelain is beginning to crack …

Lately, life has been overwhelming and incomprehensible, and it scares me. I’m afraid to even have a plan or a dream because I’m afraid of being wrong. I’ve been wrong so much lately it seems. I don’t know as much about what I want as I think.

My compassion occasionally grants people the right to walk all over me. My ambition sometimes chokes my relationships, because I forget to slow down and really see people. My goal of excellence pushes me too far, and before I know it I’m expecting perfection from others and myself. My optimism causes me to be hurt by life’s disappointments and failures. My feisty character sometimes causes me to say or do things I regret later. My thirst for knowledge often turns to arrogance. My desire to be known sometimes causes me to act self-important. My self-consciousness prompts me to hide. My independent spirit sometimes alienates people when I actually really need them.

It seems like lately I’ve been erring on the wrong side of my personality, like life is all leaning in one direction, like gravity is pulling me downward when I’d really like to learn how to fly. I’m discovering more and more flaws, more and more things I need to work through.

And I cry out to God to heal me, to give me wisdom in the complexities of life, to grant me the courage and humility to apologize, to allow me to see myself truthfully. Yet, I’m still wrong sometimes. I hurt other people. I hurt myself. I hurt God.

It’s never made sense to me that God would guide me to be wrong. So, I’m surprised at how often I muddle up the things I feel very strongly that God has led me to do. But, at the same time, I don’t regret any fumbled steps. I know God was there with me for each stagger. Maybe it’s possible for God to guide us to do things even though He knows we’re going to flounder and blunder our way through it. Maybe that’s what God’s grace looks like—it fills the gap between our bumpy, messy lives and His glory.

My faults, my failures, my fumbles and my messes … That is where the glory of God comes in and illuminates, not for the sake of my knowing or understanding life, but for my seeing the greatness of God.

Maybe my mistake is in thinking I have to look like porcelain in order for God’s glory to be evident. Maybe I actually have to allow myself to be seen as the mess I really am. Because in my weaknesses, in the cracks in the porcelain, others may see the power and goodness of God.

I doubt I’ll ever think it wise to spill the messy details of my life into just anyone’s lap like my friend does. But, do I spare people the details just to maintain a façade?

I let only a select few into the mess, and I’ve realized that sometimes I shut out the very ones I want in just because I’m afraid that their own lives which look so neat on the surface would be soiled by mine.

And the friends I admire the most are the ones who have allowed me to see their flaws. It is their transparency and their struggle with the mess that I respect. They don’t deny it, but they don’t excuse it either. They fight to be sure that God’s glory can shine even brighter in their lives.

Like me, they would probably claim to have messy lives. But, I don’t see that. I see God’s goodness, His power, His mercy.

May we all give God room to get the glory in our broken, messy lives.

My father in law just arrived at UAB Hospital in B’ham a few minutes ago. Will post down below most of what Blair typed earlier today. I have pneumonia & am taking care of the girls tonight & in the morning. I cannot just have one problem at a time….

Blair’s bulletin from this morning:
My last update told you that Dad would be allowed to go home on Sunday afternoon if he had a good night on Saturday night and a good morning Sunday morning. He had neither. Due to the lack of heart function, he is retaining too much fluid. Though they are giving him diuretics, the heart is not pumping with enough strength to get the fluid circulated through the kidneys and out. Saturday night, I stayed with him, and he had quite a long coughing fit as he tryed to get his breath. All I could do was pray for him, pray with him, and help the nurse. The nurse finally decided to give him some oxygen, and that helped a bit.

Sunday morning, Dad was told that he would not be going home as he had hoped. He began to negotiate with the doctor… he asked if it would be possible to go home for a day or two instead of staying home until Friday. The doctor told him, “When you are well, you can come back and yell at me. Until then, I am going to make the best decisions possible even if you don’t end up liking them.” The family was happy because we didn’t want him sending Dad home in the first place. The doctor told us he would speak with UAB on Monday morning and see how quickly they could get Dad in.

The doctor came in this morning and told the family that Dad would be transported to UAB today. If we can get him up there soon enough, they will conduct some tests and do bypass surgery tomorrow. Regardless, they will be doing surgery as soon as possible.

Wow! This is finally the first post of the new year. I have high hopes for this year, but I just have to tell ya…..not that great thus far!

It has been one hell of a week. One of Blair’s students, Sean Dennis (a senior), was killed in a car accident this past Sunday night. We have seen how something of this magnitude can impact a small community. There was at least 700 people in attendance at his service this past Thursday night. Blair has lost several students over the years, but for some reason this time it really touched/burdened him. With that starting off our week, it is only natural that one of the girls would get sick. Chloe had strep until Thursday & was finally able to go back to preschool. Now I have a sore throat and fever to start off this weekend! YAY!

As if all that wasn’t enough to stress us out, Blair’s father is in the hospital. Larry went in this past Tuesday for tests & then was admitted to the hospital Wednesday afternoon. Originally, he was told that his heart appeared to be about 30% enlarged & that there was some problems with his liver. They help him get rid of a ton of fluid which seemed to help him feel better by Thursday. Today (Friday), Blair’s dad had a heart cath. performed. We honestly weren’t expecting the news we received at all. We were rather blindsided. The test showed a complete blockage of 3 of the main arteries, a small percentage of flow/function of the heart, and a blood clot within the heart. The main concern is that the heart is too weak for any type of surgery. Plus, a blood clot can be a major problem. The heart specialist is supposed to come around the hospital around 10am tomorrow to tell is what to expect. Everyone, please pray! Blair’s dad is only 63 & has many years of spunk & meanness left in him. We are so fortunate that Larry is in the hospital here in Montgomery & we are able to be up there alot this weekend. My Aunt Teresa in Pelham has been such a blessing & is keeping the girls for us so that we don’t have to worry about who to watch them, etc.

This is gonna be a good year! Obstacles be damned!

When I say… “I am a Christian” I’m not shouting “I’m clean livin.” I’m whispering “I was lost,” Now I’m found and forgiven.

When I say…”I am a Christian” I don’t speak of this with pride. I’m confessing that I stumble and need CHRIST to be my guide.

When I say… “I am a Christian” I’m not trying to be strong. I’m professing that I’m weak and need HIS strength to carry on.

When I say… “I am a Christian” I’m not bragging of success. I’m admitting I have failed and need God to clean my mess.

When I say… “I am a Christian” I’m not claiming to be perfect, My flaws are far too visible but, God believes I am worth it.

When I say… “I am a Christian” I still feel the sting of pain, I have my share of heartaches So I call upon His name.

When I say… “I am a Christian” I’m not holier than thou, I’m just a simple sinner who received God’s good grace, somehow.

Amanda couldn’t have said it any better:
I wish you peace in the midst of the bustle.
I wish you love even for those you don’t like.
I wish you hope in a frightening age.
I wish you faith when it’s difficult to believe.
I wish you joy that surpasses your understanding.

I will post about the New York Trip soon. Both the girls have strep throat & are really sick. I am exhausted! UGH~

Since it is Thanksgiving, I thought I would post a few things I am thankful for:

1. I am thankful for my family. As dysfunctional as it may be over the years, I am thankful to have a mom & aunt who are loving & down to earth.
2. I am thankful for my husband. He puts up with me being hormonal & irrational more days than I care to admit.
3. I am thankful for my 2 little girls. I was looking at them yesterday and thinking how much they add to my life. My life would be boring without them. They make me laugh, cry, want to pull my hair out.
4. I am thankful for God. Without Him I am nothing.
5. I am thankful for my job. Most days I love it. Even through the stress it is fulfilling. I especially enjoy making eyeglasses for young children. It is fun to watch them put on their first pair of glasses.

We had a wonderfully quiet Thanksgiving yesterday. My mom & her boyfriend were supposed to join us for Thanksgiving. On Monday her boyfriend’s 16 year old son was killed in a car accident in Florida. Copy & past the following link: http://www.bradenton.com/mld/bradenton/news/local/16071844.htm?source=rss&channel=bradenton_local It is just gut wrenching to even think of losing a child. Understandably, mom has been with Jerry this week as he goes to the scene of the accident, memorial at the school & funeral on Friday.
Yesterday, Blair & I decided to have a relaxing family day instead of traveling. I had a special cinnamon roll breakfast with the girls. Blair made a huge lunch of turkey, mashed potatoes, okra, corn, lima beans, peas, etc. The girls played outside because the weather was gorgeous. After lunch came naptime! After naps we took the girls to see the movie Happy Feet. Popcorn, Skittles, & Coke! We had a casual dinner at home after the movie. It was a relaxing, quiet day indeed!

Don’t be fooled by me.
Don’t be fooled by the face I wear
for I wear a mask, a thousand masks,
masks that I’m afraid to take off,
and none of them is me.
Pretending is an art that’s second nature with me,
but don’t be fooled,
for God’s sake don’t be fooled.
I give you the impression that I’m secure,
that all is sunny and unruffled with me, within as well as without,
that confidence is my name and coolness my game,
that the water’s calm and I’m in command,
and that I need no one,
but don’t believe me.
My surface may seem smooth but my surface is my mask,
ever-varying and ever-concealing.
Beneath lies no complacence.
Beneath lies confusion, and fear, and aloneness.
But I hide this.  I don’t want anybody to know it.

I panic at the thought of my weakness exposed.
That’s why I frantically create a mask to hide behind,
a nonchalant sophisticated facade, to help me pretend,
to shield me from the glance that knows.

But such a glance is precisely my salvation,
My only hope, and I know it.
That is, if it’s followed by acceptance,
if it’s followed by love.
It’s the only thing that can liberate me from myself,
from my own self-built prison walls,
from the barriers I so painstakingly erect.
It’s the only thing that will assure me
of what I can’t assure myself,
that I’m really worth something.
But I don’t tell you this.  I don’t dare to, I’m afraid to.
I’m afraid your glance will not be followed by acceptance,
will not be followed by love.
I’m afraid you’ll think less of me,
that you’ll laugh, and your laugh would kill me.
I’m afraid that deep-down I’m nothing
and that you will see this and reject me.

So I play my game, my desperate pretending game,
with a facade of assurance without
and a trembling child within.
So begins the glittering but empty parade of masks,
and my life becomes a front.
I tell you everything that’s really nothing,
and nothing of what’s everything,
of what’s crying within me.
So when I’m going through my routine
do not be fooled by what I’m saying.
Please listen carefully and try to hear what I’m not saying,
what I’d like to be able to say,
what for survival I need to say,
but what I can’t say.

I don’t like hiding.
I don’t like playing superficial phony games.
I want to stop playing them.
I want to be genuine and spontaneous and me
but you’ve got to help me.
You’ve got to hold out your hand
even when that’s the last thing I seem to want.
Only you can wipe away from my eyes
the blank stare of the breathing dead.
Only you can call me into aliveness.
Each time you’re kind, and gentle, and encouraging,
each time you try to understand because you really care,
my heart begins to grow wings–
very small wings,
very feeble wings,
but wings!

With your power to touch me into feeling
you can breathe life into me.
I want you to know that.
I want you to know how important you are to me,
how you can be a creator–an honest-to-God creator–
of the person that is me
if you choose to.
You alone can break down the wall behind which I tremble,
you alone can remove my mask,
you alone can release me from my shadow-world of panic,
from my lonely prison,
if you choose to.
Please choose to.

Do not pass me by.
It will not be easy for you.
A long conviction of worthlessness builds strong walls.
The nearer you approach to me
the blinder I may strike back.
It’s irrational, but despite what the books say about man
often I am irrational.
I fight against the very thing I cry out for.
But I am told that love is stronger than strong walls
and in this lies my hope.
Please try to beat down those walls
with firm hands but with gentle hands
for a child is very sensitive.
Who am I, you may wonder?
I am someone you know very well.
For I am every man you meet
and I am every woman you meet.

Since I was diagnosed with Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome this summer, I have had so many people ask me what PCOS actually is. I am going to post a brief overview.

These are some of the symptoms of PCOS:

• infrequent menstrual periods, no menstrual periods, and/or irregular bleeding
• acne, oily skin, or dandruff
• pelvic pain
• weight gain or obesity, usually carrying extra weight around the waist
• type 2 diabetes
• high cholesterol
• high blood pressure
• patches of thickened and dark brown or black skin on the neck, arms, breasts, or thighs
• skin tags, or tiny excess flaps of skin in the armpits or neck area
• sleep apnea―excessive snoring and breathing stops at times while asleep
• insulin problems

The main problems that I had which led up to a diagnosis was high blood pressure, weight gain, large cysts on my ovaries & extreme pelvic pain. There are many women who have this disease.

For more info: www.soulcysters.com.

I have such a diverse taste in music. Lately I think it has become even more scattered. Music really speaks to me in so many ways………

What I have been listening to lately: (some might surprise you!)

Mushroomhead - Savior Sorrow More of a heavy hard rock sound. Song 2, Simple Survival, is my favorite. This has been a great cd to exercise to.

Stone Sour Wow, another heavy one. Clean the house to it!

Jeremy Camp - Live Unplugged I wasn’t a huge Jeremy fan before this, but really dig the acoustic sound he has. Very worshipful & mellow. The song Empty Me gets me every time!

Hinder - Extreme Behavior I actually only like a couple of songs on this one. The song Lips of an Angel is one. It has gotten alot of airplay.

Joss Stone - Soul Sessions Very soulful! I like this one for something a little different. It is a short cd.

Chris Tomlin - See the Morning This is the cd for worship & alone time.

Charlotte Martin - On your Shore I have been on a chics playing piano kick lately. I love the lyrics to alot of her songs. I can really relate.

Missy Higgins - Sound of White Another chic singing with piano & guitar. I just have not gotten sick of this cd yet. Played it over & over. Mellow out & drink coffee music.

AFI- Decemberunderground Play this alot at work. Some screamo going on. Very upbeat.

Evanescence- The Open Door You can never go wrong with Evanescence. I think I have a heterosexual crush on Amy Lee. She is so pretty & her voice is outstanding!

David Ford - I Sincerely Apologize for the Trouble I’ve Caused Singer song writer guy. Mellow & mildly depressing in a good way.

There are just so many artists/musicians that I listen to on a regular basis. I am in the van alot listening to my I-Pod. It takes me 45 minutes to get the girls dropped off & 30 min to work & 30 min back. Also, I work in a lab where we have music on at all times (well, with exception to Sat. football games. UGH). So you figure 40 hours a week at work of listening time. I wish I had some musical gift or ability. I would love to be able to play guitar, piano or have a nice voice. Regardless, I live through music!