I am sick of being tired. I am sick of not feeling well. I am sick of my back & ovaries hurting. I am sick of feeling like a hamster running on a wheel. I am sick of feeling like I am not liked for who I am by my husband. I am sick of a trashy, cluttered house. I am sick of being overweight. I am sick of not having a relationship with my mother. I am sick of not having a father alive. I am sick of being who I am. I am sick of feeling helpless. I am sick of not feeling content with myself nor my life. I am sick of feeling like I am not getting anywhere. I want joy. I want contentment. I want unconditional love. I want peace. I want rest. I want health. I want a mother. I want that connection with Christ that I used to have. I want not to feel restless & frustrated.

This is me today.

Scenes of you come rushing through
You are breaking me down
So break me into pieces
That will grow in the ground
I know that I deserve to die
For the murder in my heart
So be gentle with me Jesus
As you tear me apart

Teach me to be humble
Call me from the grave
Show me how to walk with you upon the waves
Breathe into my spirit
Breathe into my veins
Until only love remains

I have had a really long, busy, stressful week at work. The other day while leaving I commented to Blair that I sure hoped the house looked better, not worse when I got home from work.

His response, “I will make sure to turn off all the lights so that it is dark when you get home.”

He is such a nerd!

Romans 14 from the Message

¹Welcome with open arms fellow believers who don’t see things the way you do. And don’t jump all over them every time they do or say something you don’t agree with–even when it seems that they are strong on opinions but weak in the faith department. Remember, they have their own history to deal with. Treat them gently.

²For instance, a person who has been around for a while might well be convinced that he can eat anything on the table, while another, with a different background, might assume all Christians should be vegetarians and eat accordingly. ³But since both are guests at Christ’s table, wouldn’t it be terribly rude if they fell to criticizing what the other ate or didn’t eat? God, after all, invited them both to the table. ⁴Do you have any business crossing people off the guest list or interfering with God’s welcome? If there are corrections to be made or manners to be learned, God can handle that without your help.

⁵Or, say, one person thinks that some days should be set aside as holy and another thinks that each day is pretty much like any other. There are good reasons either way. So, each person is free to follow the convictions of conscience.

⁶What’s important in all this is that if you keep a holy day, keep it for God’s sake; if you eat meat, eat it to the glory of God and thank God for prime rib; if you’re a vegetarian, eat vegetables to the glory of God and thank God for broccoli. ⁷None of us are permitted to insist on our own way in these matters. ⁸It’s God we are answerable to–all the way from life to death and everything in between–not each other. ⁹That’s why Jesus lived and died and then lived again: so that he could be our Master across the entire range of life and death, and free us from the petty tyrannies of each other.

¹⁰So where does that leave you when you criticize a brother? And where does that leave you when you condescend to a sister? I’d say it leaves you looking pretty silly–or worse. Eventually, we’re all going to end up kneeling side by side in the place of judgment, facing God. Your critical and condescending ways aren’t going to improve your position there one bit. ¹¹Read it for yourself in Scripture:

“As I live and breathe,” God says,
“every knee will bow before me;
Every tongue will tell the honest truth
that I and only I am God.”

¹²So tend to your knitting. You’ve got your hands full just taking care of your own life before God.

¹³Forget about deciding what’s right for each other. Here’s what you need to be concerned about: that you don’t get in the way of someone else, making life more difficult than it already is. ¹⁴I’m convinced–Jesus convinced me!-that everything as it is in itself is holy. We, of course, by the way we treat it or talk about it, can contaminate it.

¹⁵If you confuse others by making a big issue over what they eat or don’t eat, you’re no longer a companion with them in love, are you? These, remember, are persons for whom Christ died. Would you risk sending them to hell over an item in their diet? ¹⁶Don’t you dare let a piece of God-blessed food become an occasion of soul-poisoning!

¹⁷God’s kingdom isn’t a matter of what you put in your stomach, for goodness’ sake. It’s what God does with your life as he sets it right, puts it together, and completes it with joy. ¹⁸Your task is to single-mindedly serve Christ. Do that and you’ll kill two birds with one stone: pleasing the God above you and proving your worth to the people around you.

¹⁹So let’s agree to use all our energy in getting along with each other. Help others with encouraging words; ²⁰don’t drag them down by finding fault. You’re certainly not going to permit an argument over what is served or not served at supper to wreck God’s work among you, are you? I said it before and I’ll say it again: All food is good, but it can turn bad if you use it badly, if you use it to trip others up and send them sprawling. ²¹When you sit down to a meal, your primary concern should not be to feed your own face but to share the life of Jesus. So be sensitive and courteous to the others who are eating. Don’t eat or say or do things that might interfere with the free exchange of love.

²²Cultivate your own relationship with God, but don’t impose it on others. You’re fortunate if your behavior and your belief are coherent. ²³But if you’re not sure, if you notice that you are acting in ways inconsistent with what you believe–some days trying to impose your opinions on others, other days just trying to please them–then you know that you’re out of line. If the way you live isn’t consistent with what you believe, then it’s wrong.

Church as truly been a touchy subject for me for over the past year. We have had some hurtful/painful experiences over the last 10 years in ministry. Lately, I have been trying to re-evaluate how I feel & what I am willing to do about it. Through much prayer & soul searching I have come to a few conclusions. First of all, I am not angry or bitter at “the church.” I am sad, hurt & most of all completely frustrated. I just don’t think we are “doing church” the way that Christ intended. I am tired of sitting front to back on Sundays trying to pretend I am not falling apart & that I have my act together. I always thought church was the place to come let all that out. To have support & encouragement from fellow believers who are all walking this journey together. Don’t get me wrong, it is also a place to celebrate!

I have learned that in so many ways the tone of the church is a huge reflection on how the pastor is personally. If the pastor never shares struggles & always pretends he has his shit together, then the church will reflect the same. I am not saying this is always the case, but seems to be more often than not. If the pastor is open & authentic, then that is reflected as well. I am not sure if the pastor is afraid to be vulnerable or to be viewed differently, but I think it is a risk they have to take. Pastors are leaders who are also sinners on their journey with Christ. They aren’t perfect human beings to be put up on a pedestal. Too many of our church leaders are struggling alone & in complete silence.

The church we have attended the last 3 weeks as been a great time of healing & seeking out how I feel. Do I think this church is the forever place? I am not sure about that, but I do know it is so comforting to just go & sit & be & not do anything. It is a time of rest & healing. The pastor has shared so many honest struggles. There is not any glorifying in sin or anything like that. Just struggles with his son’s drug addiction & the estranged relationship with his parents. The the thing that has really struck me the last few weeks is the pastor really knows his people. He can point around the room & share the struggles & victories his people are experiencing. I honestly feel the reason he knows his because he has made his journey known & this has allowed the people of his church to be open & vulnerable in turn.

Have I been hurt by the church & its people? Deeply. Am I going to wallow in it? Not anymore. The church is full of sinful hurting people just like me. Christ is alive & real in my life & I want to celebrate that & move forward on this journey. I refuse to give into the “fake, smiley, happy, cookie cutter” Christianity. I want to pursue an authentic, radical, passionate relationship with Christ!

Well, I actually went to church Sunday. AND it didn’t kill me. I did not feel the urge to stand up & scream during the middle of the service. I also did not cry through the entire service. Plus, I did not leave feeling completely empty & hollow. Sounds like I have made progress!

My Christian Depression by Jim Nichols

In 1994, Tom Hanks as the character Forrest Gump uttered a phrase that would forever define a decade: “Life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what your gonna get.” Now he gave credit to his “momma” for such a pithy and profound statement, and for years I thought it was right on. Recently however my box has been hijacked. My circumstances have shown me that my box of chocolates has been the victim of a massive prank. To loosely paraphrase the comedian Jim Gaffigan talking about chocolate candy, “I got the one with toothpaste in it.”

I think a lot of people carry around this depression that eats at our souls. It’s a cry for something—something we may not even know how to verbalize or explain. It’s a feeling that carries alongside of it an insatiable desire to be fixed. It can be a depression caused by someone else or a recently-experienced loss. It may be a general frustration at the world as it limps its way around the solar system and the little hope that seems to be in it. It may be because your cat howled all night long, and you ran out of pillows to throw at it. Whatever the case, most of us have days, or sometimes several days looped together, where we have this funk attached to us, and anything can trigger it!

Now, I don’t want to sound like there is a huge black hole that is over my head—what I really want to know is how does someone who claims to love and serve Christ find himself in a place where he’s near the point of depression? More importantly, and because I assume that I’m not the only one who finds myself in this place, what do we do when were there? How do we look into the box and deal with what we’ve found?

In a really ironic way, I find hope in my little box of depression. One of my pastors recently reminded our small group that when things are rough, she remembers God’s story. Now this isn’t a just “trust through it” moment. What she meant was: He has been faithful to so many people long before she was even in the picture. In His Word are the stories of His faithfulness to those who’ve gone through hard times, and those stories belong to us; they are our stories too.

If that’s true, then the times when they were depressed and looking at life with more of a smirk then a smile, those times are our stories too. We are there when Elijah motors away from Jezebel and heads to “God’s Mountain” and asks to die. We’re there when Job is sitting in ash listening to his moron friends trying to pour blame down his throat. We’re there when Noah’s leaf withers. We’re there with Mary and Martha when their brother has been in the grave four days.

This is where I find hope—others, often times great people of great faith have been down, frustrated and ready to take the next train out here. Some of these people talk to God, and He reinvigorates their focus—sometimes with a gentle whisper, sometimes with more of a loving jab and sometimes with silence. In most cases, God doesn’t just say, “Hey kid don’t be down, be happy.” No usually it sounds more like, “Don’t fear, I’m here with you, suffering alongside of you, and we have a choice to make.”

I guess this where the other part comes in—He is faithful, even when we can’t feel it, see it or believe it. He is right there with us. When I’m unlovable and grumpy—He’s loving me! When I want the world to be totally flushed—He’s still loving me and giving me a choice. When I wake up in the morning, and I want to stay in bed and hide from the world—He’s there, not condemning me or making me feel guilty.

I love that God can look into our situations and be frustrated with us. Maybe that’s how I deal with it. When the depression comes, when the loneliness sets in, when the last straw has been snapped, He’ll be there—a Father that comforts us even when we bite into our chocolates and find something we weren’t expecting.

Nothing ever can happen at a convenient time. Blair leaves for Italy tomorrow for 9 days. Guess what? Took both kids to the doctor this morning. Chloe has strep throat & Jordyn has a gastrointestinal virus. Sounds like I am going to have a fun week. Luckily, I am off work this weekend. Everyone keep your fingers crossed for Monday! I work Monday & Tuesday.

Here is the latest update on my father in law. This is an email update that my mother in law sent out today, Tuesday.

I have copied and pasted an article below from relevantmagazine.com. I read this article this morning & it really struck a cord with me….

I am a complete mess.

That is how I’ve felt lately. I don’t think anyone else thinks so, which in some ways is maybe what is so tragic about it.

I have a friend who doesn’t hide it from anyone that she’s got issues. It seems like every time I talk to her I feel like I’ve been puked on. She tells me the trashier details of her life. She tells me about the guy who she went home with last weekend after a night of clubbing. She calls me frantically when she is afraid that she is pregnant or contracted an STD. She complains about the squishy part of her hips that never disappears despite her obsession with aerobics. She asks me if she should consider liposuction. She shows me her latest round of credit card purchases from Nordstrom’s, and then tells me she’s considering filing for bankruptcy.

I look like a porcelain doll compared to her. But, the porcelain is beginning to crack …

Lately, life has been overwhelming and incomprehensible, and it scares me. I’m afraid to even have a plan or a dream because I’m afraid of being wrong. I’ve been wrong so much lately it seems. I don’t know as much about what I want as I think.

My compassion occasionally grants people the right to walk all over me. My ambition sometimes chokes my relationships, because I forget to slow down and really see people. My goal of excellence pushes me too far, and before I know it I’m expecting perfection from others and myself. My optimism causes me to be hurt by life’s disappointments and failures. My feisty character sometimes causes me to say or do things I regret later. My thirst for knowledge often turns to arrogance. My desire to be known sometimes causes me to act self-important. My self-consciousness prompts me to hide. My independent spirit sometimes alienates people when I actually really need them.

It seems like lately I’ve been erring on the wrong side of my personality, like life is all leaning in one direction, like gravity is pulling me downward when I’d really like to learn how to fly. I’m discovering more and more flaws, more and more things I need to work through.

And I cry out to God to heal me, to give me wisdom in the complexities of life, to grant me the courage and humility to apologize, to allow me to see myself truthfully. Yet, I’m still wrong sometimes. I hurt other people. I hurt myself. I hurt God.

It’s never made sense to me that God would guide me to be wrong. So, I’m surprised at how often I muddle up the things I feel very strongly that God has led me to do. But, at the same time, I don’t regret any fumbled steps. I know God was there with me for each stagger. Maybe it’s possible for God to guide us to do things even though He knows we’re going to flounder and blunder our way through it. Maybe that’s what God’s grace looks like—it fills the gap between our bumpy, messy lives and His glory.

My faults, my failures, my fumbles and my messes … That is where the glory of God comes in and illuminates, not for the sake of my knowing or understanding life, but for my seeing the greatness of God.

Maybe my mistake is in thinking I have to look like porcelain in order for God’s glory to be evident. Maybe I actually have to allow myself to be seen as the mess I really am. Because in my weaknesses, in the cracks in the porcelain, others may see the power and goodness of God.

I doubt I’ll ever think it wise to spill the messy details of my life into just anyone’s lap like my friend does. But, do I spare people the details just to maintain a façade?

I let only a select few into the mess, and I’ve realized that sometimes I shut out the very ones I want in just because I’m afraid that their own lives which look so neat on the surface would be soiled by mine.

And the friends I admire the most are the ones who have allowed me to see their flaws. It is their transparency and their struggle with the mess that I respect. They don’t deny it, but they don’t excuse it either. They fight to be sure that God’s glory can shine even brighter in their lives.

Like me, they would probably claim to have messy lives. But, I don’t see that. I see God’s goodness, His power, His mercy.

May we all give God room to get the glory in our broken, messy lives.