Maybe I am more relaxed while medicated. A pill might just be the dose of don’t give a crap that I needed.

Normal IS just a setting on the washing machine.

Hazelnut Creme Seattle’s Best coffee rocks. Even better with some snobby Hazelnut creamer added in. The sweeter the better.

A messy house really is not the end of the world as we know it. It will still be there tomorrow.

• I have this weird obsession lately with binders. I organize paperwork into them & then they are alphabetized & categorized. It actually makes me happy & content to see them standing there with labels on the side. All organized.
• I cannot relax when surrounded by clutter. So basically, I am NEVER relaxed because I am ALWAYS surrounded.
• I search on Myspace for different bands & music & change my profile song like 5 times a day.
• I love buying scrapbook supplies, but rarely even get a chance to use them. The joy is in buying them & getting to stare at them & how cute they are.
• My husband wants to purchase a Mac at the first of the year & I am actually looking forward to it. (Shhhhhh, don’t tell him)
• I have an unhealthy love for flavored coffee creamers. My favorite right now is Belgian White Chocolate Macadaemia Nut. It rocks!
• I watched an entire season of Heroes on DVD in less than a week. I really need to get a life.
• I am so freaking excited to go to the Porcupine Tree concert in Atlanta next week. I mean WAY to excited for any normal human being. I even gave up buying Starbucks & eating out this week just to buy the ticket!

Just thought I would post a little life update.

Blair is still teaching at Stanhope Elmore High School & loving it. He finished up his Master’s Degree in August & is now back at AUM working towards his doctorate. He went to Paris a couple of months ago & will be traveling to Paris & Madrid again during Spring Break in March. So far he has been to New York, London, Italy & Paris with EF Travel & taking students with him. He is a brave man! He is still reading everything he can get his hands on during his spare time. Also, I think his main hobby right now is researching & dreaming about the Mac he is going to get. (Nerd)

I am still working at Lenscrafters making glasses. I cannot believe it has been 8 years since I started there! It has been a tough year, but it has got to get better from here. We have had a tough time meeting sales goals as well as a ton of staff turnover. I still absolutely love my job & what I do! I cannot imagine doing anything else. I am still into scrapbooking & goofing around on Myspace.

Jordyn is in 1st grade & loving it! She so far is doing great in reading & having a little bit tougher time with math. Last I checked she still had A’s in both. She has started reading “chapter books” and is so proud of herself. Her favorite book series right now is called Junie B. Jones. Jordyn also loves to scrapbook like mommy & do crafts too. Her favorite movie right now is High School Musical 2 & her favorite show is Hannah Montana.

Chloe is in preschool at a church place this year. She loves it! She is a very social creature like her daddy. She can already write her name & knows her colors, shapes & a whole lot of her letters & numbers. Her favorite shows right now are Brandy & Mr. Whiskers & Looney Tunes. Chloe also really is into playing games on the computer.

Well, that is the brief update…

Pardon the rambling:::::::
It has been 11 years today that my father died. It amazes me that I still think about it as much as I do even as the years pass. I wonder if there will ever come a time when October 10th is just another day for me without even a thought of my dad.

My father wasn’t there as much as I would have liked growing up, but I still miss him. I miss the thought of him being involved in my life. I miss the thought of him having fun & getting to know my girls. Dad died from a year long battle with cancer at age 40. He only lived 8 years longer than what my age is now. So young, yet so wise about life. Some words that come to mind when I think of him: sarcastic, witty, reserved, quiet, servant, simple. Dad made many mistakes, but I can say he truly tried to live out his Christian faith as he believed it. It came out legalistic & full of rules to me as a teenager, but looking back, I know he was just trying to “flesh out” what he believed. He was a mechanic who enjoyed restoring old vehicles in his spare time. Dad always served behind the scenes at church doing sound for the music. I think he felt uncomfortable in big groups of people so he served. He never had new cars or the nicest home, but it was paid for. I think he was content with the basics & necessities of life. I remember him stopping & picking magnolia blooms off of trees & taking them home to enjoy. When he was sick & could not walk anymore, he would look out the window & enjoy his rose bushes & birds playing in their little homes. Deep down I know he loved me but had a hard time expressing it. We had such a hard time connecting & understanding each other. When I was young he moved to Texas & lived there for about 14 years I think. I remember visiting during the summers as a teen. Just so confused & rebellious. I hated the fact that he wasn’t more involved in my life, yet resisted his even small attempts by lashing out. I know I had his temper & it came out so much during those visits. There are things about me that I know are “classic Jimmy”. My temper, depression, but most of all my super sarcastic sense of humor. He was a man of few words, but when he did speak, it could catch you off guard. Sometimes he could just be so funny & witty.

During his time of sickness we got to know each other so much more. There was so much suffering during that year of him fighting for his life, but also so much bonding between us. After being angry & confused for so many years of my childhood, we were able to reach an understanding. It started the day he told me he had cancer. I remember coming home from college Thanksgiving Day in 1995. I arrived at the hospital wondering what in the world was happening. He asked me to sit in his lap which was so awkward for our relationship, but i did it anyway. I looked up & he was crying. I had never remembered seeing him cry, ever. He told me he had stage 4 cancer & probably a matter of months to live. My grandparents & aunts & uncles came to the hospital & we had Thanksgiving lunch in the cafeteria. That day will be burned in my memory forever. Dad fought & fought that next year. Chemo & sickness, herbs & shark cartilage, immunotherapy, tumors, pain, vision loss, mobility loss………..It was hard, but I am glad we had that time together. I drove him to the hospital 3 days out of the week for chemo & we talked. We watched Walker Texas Ranger, Home Improvement & Touched by an Angel while laying on opposite ends of his couch. We ate Meals on Wheels together in his trailer. I read his favorite passages of Scripture to him. I may not have many childhood memories, but I do have these moments that I will hold dear. I have so much respect & love for the way my dad fought his cancer & his attitude that year. He still clung to his faith in Christ. Sometimes he would just stare out the window looking up at the sky. I would ask him what he was looking for. He responded with, “just waiting for Christ to return for me.”

I wish he was here.

Today’s date & time: Wed. 9/12 at 6:27pm

1. Inside, I feel like I’m (what age): 20 sometimes, & 40 at others

2. A goal I’m working on right now: Scrapbooking at least 1 page a week

3. My most recent achievement: Wow, I can’t think of anything huge. Mainly little life things. I just finished a scrapbook page from when we bought our house in 2005. Also, had the girls picture made together this morning & they did great!

4. The last gift I bought for someone: A coffee mug for my general manager.

5. The last CD I bought: Paramore - Riot

6. My current favorite song: Molly Jenson - Maybe Tomorrow

7. The last movie I saw in a theater: Kid movie was Underdog. Adult movie was Knocked Up.

8. The last book I read: Dean Koontz of some sort

9. The last new thing I learned: How to test a fuse with a Voltmeter. (work!)

10. What I’m wearing right now: Black yoga pants & black tank

11. The last person I talked to on the phone: Blair

12. What I ate for breakfast today: Hardee’s Omelet Biscuit

13. What I thought I’d be doing by this age: I did not have any real career goals necessarily. I did think I would be thinner a happier with myself. More content with life.

14. Something I’m saving up for right now: Not really saving, but looking forward to a new tattoo in December.

15. Someone I think about a lot: Other than family, My boss/friend who moved to Birmingham. He was a great big brother & it is just not the same now.

16. The last person I helped: Other than my children. Helped someone at work be able to see!

17. The last thing I apologized for: My children for me being grouchy with them.

18. Something I’m worried about: Paying the bills this month.

19. What I wish for when I see a shooting star: Contentment for me. Health & happiness for my husband & girls.

20. What my plans are for the rest of this day: Bathe the girls & put them to bed early. Then scrapbook time for me!

Some of this may be listed elsewhere on my page, but anyways….Me today!

1. I drive a minivan. Sometimes I even turn up my rock & roll the windows down & pretend to be cool.
2. I prefer email over the telephone most of the time.
3. I have a major aversion to fake people.
4. I’m a compulsive list maker. Sometimes I actually get to mark things off.
5. I hate to iron.
6. I hate to cook.
7. After drinking a latte with 3 espresso shots I can still immediately go take a nap.
8. I do have a favorite cuss word. It is a bad one.
9. I have a passion for purchasing scrapbook supplies. I would say I have a passion for scrapbooking, but I never have time!
10. I am lousy at loving myself.
11. I love hard rock, punk & folk music.
12. My red PJ pants are falling apart, but I wear them constantly.
13. My dress code for work is all black. I think I would probably wear it most days anyway.
14. I HATE clutter, but live in it. A messy husband & 3 kids are the culprit.
15. I never actually feel rested & relaxed. Mostly restless & uneasy. I can never turn my brain off.
16. I am just usually “one of the guys”. This is a good thing considering I work in a lab with all boys. I can make penis jokes with the best of them.
17. After I turned 30, for some reason I stopped caring what people think of me.
18. I am finally almost at peace with church again.
19. I really don’t like it when people do the “drop in”.
20. Sometimes I am a yelling parent, and I really hate this about myself.
21. I like my blue eyes.

What I ate for lunch today? Leftover Pizza

My fave song today? JJ Heller’s song “Everything is Changing”

Last book I read? Can’t remember, but I read tons of scrapbook mags.

What I’m Wearing Right Now? Red PJ pants & black tank top

The last restaurant I ate at was? Chick-fil-A

My fave TV shows? Grey’s Anatomy, LA Ink, Neat, Mission Organization

My current occupation? Lead Lab Tech at Lenscrafters

My dream job: Owning or managing a scrapbook store (even internet would be great). If I owned, I would have a combo scrap/coffee shop & call it Scrap a Latte’

The best birthday gift I could receive would be? an entire weekend to myself. 2 nights to myself at a hotel & someone to haul my scrap stuff up to my room.

If I had a million dollars? 1. pay off house, 2. pay student loans, 3. college funds for kids, 4. Get rid of my van & get a real car

The goals I am currently working on: Finding balance with being a working full time mom, being a good wife, mother & taking care of myself

How tall am I? 5′4″ Weight? 220 or 230, too depressing to check

My fave thing to do? sip coffee & scrapbook (NEVER have time)

I drive: 2004 Kia Sedona MInivan

2 things everyday I couldn’t live without? Coffee & I-Pod

2 things I worry about: Jordyn & Chloe

2 stores I shop at: AC Moore & Target

4 fave movies: Weird Science, Breakfast Club, Son in Law, Swordfish, Raising Arizona

Fave Bands/ Musicians: Beastie Boys / Blackfield / Damien Rice / Deftones / Evanescence / Flyleaf / Godsmack / Hurt / Korn / Lacuna Coil / MCR, Mudvayne / Mushroomhead / Opeth / Panic at the Disco / Pantera / Porcupine Tree / Rage Against the Machine / Red Jumpsuit Apparatus / Riverside / RPWL / Seether / Sevendust / Shawn McDonald / Snow Patrol / Stone Sour / Stone Temple Pilots / Submersed / Tina Dico / Todd Agnew / Tool

Biggest Challenges I have been through: Facing Cancer with my father & Marital difficulties as a newlywed

1. Losing Blair

2. Losing one of my Children

3. Cancer

4. House fire & losing all of my pictures

5. Never being thin again

6. Dying, standing before Christ & realizing I have it all wrong

7. Never feeling confident or good about myself again

8. Never finding that church that feels like home

9. My children as adults not wanting me to be a huge part of their lives

I am sick of being tired. I am sick of not feeling well. I am sick of my back & ovaries hurting. I am sick of feeling like a hamster running on a wheel. I am sick of feeling like I am not liked for who I am by my husband. I am sick of a trashy, cluttered house. I am sick of being overweight. I am sick of not having a relationship with my mother. I am sick of not having a father alive. I am sick of being who I am. I am sick of feeling helpless. I am sick of not feeling content with myself nor my life. I am sick of feeling like I am not getting anywhere. I want joy. I want contentment. I want unconditional love. I want peace. I want rest. I want health. I want a mother. I want that connection with Christ that I used to have. I want not to feel restless & frustrated.

This is me today.

Scenes of you come rushing through
You are breaking me down
So break me into pieces
That will grow in the ground
I know that I deserve to die
For the murder in my heart
So be gentle with me Jesus
As you tear me apart

Teach me to be humble
Call me from the grave
Show me how to walk with you upon the waves
Breathe into my spirit
Breathe into my veins
Until only love remains