Dan Allender

I realize also that I needed to stop creating who I thought I was supposed to be and start discovering who I really am. I feel deep in discovery. I have been a Christian since the age of 18. Along with that, I made up all these rules & ideas of what I thought a Christian was supposed to look like & act like. I am finally at the realization that I have to be who God has specifically called Me & ONLY Me to be. I am not the cookie cutter, dress wearing, only King James Version toting Christian. I have tattoos & love rock music. I drop the “F” bomb on occasion. I like a beer every once in a while. But guess what? THAT IS OKAY. I love God! God loves me! As simple as that.

Me. For better or worse, here I am.

“Dear Gawd, Please help Angeleeekey to feel better if she has diarrhea even if she wets her pants. And I love Jordyn. A-man.”

For the record, Chloe hasn’t seen her preschool friend Angelique in months! We have tried to teach the girls that they can pray about ANYTHING and tell God anything they want. This was one of those nights where I could not stop giggling after the girls left the room after prayer time.

Normal IS just a setting on the washing machine.

Hazelnut Creme Seattle’s Best coffee rocks. Even better with some snobby Hazelnut creamer added in. The sweeter the better.

A messy house really is not the end of the world as we know it. It will still be there tomorrow.

Blair is still teaching at Stanhope Elmore High School & loving it. He finished up his Master’s Degree in August & is now back at AUM working towards his doctorate. He went to Paris a couple of months ago & will be traveling to Paris & Madrid again during Spring Break in March. So far he has been to New York, London, Italy & Paris with EF Travel & taking students with him. He is a brave man! He is still reading everything he can get his hands on during his spare time. Also, I think his main hobby right now is researching & dreaming about the Mac he is going to get. (Nerd)

I am still working at Lenscrafters making glasses. I cannot believe it has been 8 years since I started there! It has been a tough year, but it has got to get better from here. We have had a tough time meeting sales goals as well as a ton of staff turnover. I still absolutely love my job & what I do! I cannot imagine doing anything else. I am still into scrapbooking & goofing around on Myspace.

Jordyn is in 1st grade & loving it! She so far is doing great in reading & having a little bit tougher time with math. Last I checked she still had A’s in both. She has started reading “chapter books” and is so proud of herself. Her favorite book series right now is called Junie B. Jones. Jordyn also loves to scrapbook like mommy & do crafts too. Her favorite movie right now is High School Musical 2 & her favorite show is Hannah Montana.

Chloe is in preschool at a church place this year. She loves it! She is a very social creature like her daddy. She can already write her name & knows her colors, shapes & a whole lot of her letters & numbers. Her favorite shows right now are Brandy & Mr. Whiskers & Looney Tunes. Chloe also really is into playing games on the computer.

Well, that is the brief update…

My father wasn’t there as much as I would have liked growing up, but I still miss him. I miss the thought of him being involved in my life. I miss the thought of him having fun & getting to know my girls. Dad died from a year long battle with cancer at age 40. He only lived 8 years longer than what my age is now. So young, yet so wise about life. Some words that come to mind when I think of him: sarcastic, witty, reserved, quiet, servant, simple. Dad made many mistakes, but I can say he truly tried to live out his Christian faith as he believed it. It came out legalistic & full of rules to me as a teenager, but looking back, I know he was just trying to “flesh out” what he believed. He was a mechanic who enjoyed restoring old vehicles in his spare time. Dad always served behind the scenes at church doing sound for the music. I think he felt uncomfortable in big groups of people so he served. He never had new cars or the nicest home, but it was paid for. I think he was content with the basics & necessities of life. I remember him stopping & picking magnolia blooms off of trees & taking them home to enjoy. When he was sick & could not walk anymore, he would look out the window & enjoy his rose bushes & birds playing in their little homes. Deep down I know he loved me but had a hard time expressing it. We had such a hard time connecting & understanding each other. When I was young he moved to Texas & lived there for about 14 years I think. I remember visiting during the summers as a teen. Just so confused & rebellious. I hated the fact that he wasn’t more involved in my life, yet resisted his even small attempts by lashing out. I know I had his temper & it came out so much during those visits. There are things about me that I know are “classic Jimmy”. My temper, depression, but most of all my super sarcastic sense of humor. He was a man of few words, but when he did speak, it could catch you off guard. Sometimes he could just be so funny & witty.

During his time of sickness we got to know each other so much more. There was so much suffering during that year of him fighting for his life, but also so much bonding between us. After being angry & confused for so many years of my childhood, we were able to reach an understanding. It started the day he told me he had cancer. I remember coming home from college Thanksgiving Day in 1995. I arrived at the hospital wondering what in the world was happening. He asked me to sit in his lap which was so awkward for our relationship, but i did it anyway. I looked up & he was crying. I had never remembered seeing him cry, ever. He told me he had stage 4 cancer & probably a matter of months to live. My grandparents & aunts & uncles came to the hospital & we had Thanksgiving lunch in the cafeteria. That day will be burned in my memory forever. Dad fought & fought that next year. Chemo & sickness, herbs & shark cartilage, immunotherapy, tumors, pain, vision loss, mobility loss………..It was hard, but I am glad we had that time together. I drove him to the hospital 3 days out of the week for chemo & we talked. We watched Walker Texas Ranger, Home Improvement & Touched by an Angel while laying on opposite ends of his couch. We ate Meals on Wheels together in his trailer. I read his favorite passages of Scripture to him. I may not have many childhood memories, but I do have these moments that I will hold dear. I have so much respect & love for the way my dad fought his cancer & his attitude that year. He still clung to his faith in Christ. Sometimes he would just stare out the window looking up at the sky. I would ask him what he was looking for. He responded with, “just waiting for Christ to return for me.”

I wish he was here.

1. Inside, I feel like I’m (what age): 20 sometimes, & 40 at others

2. A goal I’m working on right now: Scrapbooking at least 1 page a week

3. My most recent achievement: Wow, I can’t think of anything huge. Mainly little life things. I just finished a scrapbook page from when we bought our house in 2005. Also, had the girls picture made together this morning & they did great!

4. The last gift I bought for someone: A coffee mug for my general manager.

5. The last CD I bought: Paramore - Riot

6. My current favorite song: Molly Jenson - Maybe Tomorrow

7. The last movie I saw in a theater: Kid movie was Underdog. Adult movie was Knocked Up.

8. The last book I read: Dean Koontz of some sort

9. The last new thing I learned: How to test a fuse with a Voltmeter. (work!)

10. What I’m wearing right now: Black yoga pants & black tank

11. The last person I talked to on the phone: Blair

12. What I ate for breakfast today: Hardee’s Omelet Biscuit

13. What I thought I’d be doing by this age: I did not have any real career goals necessarily. I did think I would be thinner a happier with myself. More content with life.

14. Something I’m saving up for right now: Not really saving, but looking forward to a new tattoo in December.

15. Someone I think about a lot: Other than family, My boss/friend who moved to Birmingham. He was a great big brother & it is just not the same now.

16. The last person I helped: Other than my children. Helped someone at work be able to see!

17. The last thing I apologized for: My children for me being grouchy with them.

18. Something I’m worried about: Paying the bills this month.

19. What I wish for when I see a shooting star: Contentment for me. Health & happiness for my husband & girls.

20. What my plans are for the rest of this day: Bathe the girls & put them to bed early. Then scrapbook time for me!

1. I drive a minivan. Sometimes I even turn up my rock & roll the windows down & pretend to be cool.
2. I prefer email over the telephone most of the time.
3. I have a major aversion to fake people.
4. I’m a compulsive list maker. Sometimes I actually get to mark things off.
5. I hate to iron.
6. I hate to cook.
7. After drinking a latte with 3 espresso shots I can still immediately go take a nap.
8. I do have a favorite cuss word. It is a bad one.
9. I have a passion for purchasing scrapbook supplies. I would say I have a passion for scrapbooking, but I never have time!
10. I am lousy at loving myself.
11. I love hard rock, punk & folk music.
12. My red PJ pants are falling apart, but I wear them constantly.
13. My dress code for work is all black. I think I would probably wear it most days anyway.
14. I HATE clutter, but live in it. A messy husband & 3 kids are the culprit.
15. I never actually feel rested & relaxed. Mostly restless & uneasy. I can never turn my brain off.
16. I am just usually “one of the guys”. This is a good thing considering I work in a lab with all boys. I can make penis jokes with the best of them.
17. After I turned 30, for some reason I stopped caring what people think of me.
18. I am finally almost at peace with church again.
19. I really don’t like it when people do the “drop in”.
20. Sometimes I am a yelling parent, and I really hate this about myself.
21. I like my blue eyes.

What I’m Wearing Right Now? Red PJ pants & black tank top

The last restaurant I ate at was? Chick-fil-A

My fave TV shows? Grey’s Anatomy, LA Ink, Neat, Mission Organization

My current occupation? Lead Lab Tech at Lenscrafters

My dream job: Owning or managing a scrapbook store (even internet would be great). If I owned, I would have a combo scrap/coffee shop & call it Scrap a Latte’

The best birthday gift I could receive would be? an entire weekend to myself. 2 nights to myself at a hotel & someone to haul my scrap stuff up to my room.

If I had a million dollars? 1. pay off house, 2. pay student loans, 3. college funds for kids, 4. Get rid of my van & get a real car

The goals I am currently working on: Finding balance with being a working full time mom, being a good wife, mother & taking care of myself

How tall am I? 5′4″ Weight? 220 or 230, too depressing to check

My fave thing to do? sip coffee & scrapbook (NEVER have time)

I drive: 2004 Kia Sedona MInivan

2 things everyday I couldn’t live without? Coffee & I-Pod

2 things I worry about: Jordyn & Chloe

2 stores I shop at: AC Moore & Target

4 fave movies: Weird Science, Breakfast Club, Son in Law, Swordfish, Raising Arizona

Fave Bands/ Musicians: Beastie Boys / Blackfield / Damien Rice / Deftones / Evanescence / Flyleaf / Godsmack / Hurt / Korn / Lacuna Coil / MCR, Mudvayne / Mushroomhead / Opeth / Panic at the Disco / Pantera / Porcupine Tree / Rage Against the Machine / Red Jumpsuit Apparatus / Riverside / RPWL / Seether / Sevendust / Shawn McDonald / Snow Patrol / Stone Sour / Stone Temple Pilots / Submersed / Tina Dico / Todd Agnew / Tool

Biggest Challenges I have been through: Facing Cancer with my father & Marital difficulties as a newlywed

2. Losing one of my Children

3. Cancer

4. House fire & losing all of my pictures

5. Never being thin again

6. Dying, standing before Christ & realizing I have it all wrong

7. Never feeling confident or good about myself again

8. Never finding that church that feels like home

9. My children as adults not wanting me to be a huge part of their lives

This is me today.

Teach me to be humble
Call me from the grave
Show me how to walk with you upon the waves
Breathe into my spirit
Breathe into my veins
Until only love remains

His response, “I will make sure to turn off all the lights so that it is dark when you get home.”

He is such a nerd!

¹Welcome with open arms fellow believers who don’t see things the way you do. And don’t jump all over them every time they do or say something you don’t agree with–even when it seems that they are strong on opinions but weak in the faith department. Remember, they have their own history to deal with. Treat them gently.

²For instance, a person who has been around for a while might well be convinced that he can eat anything on the table, while another, with a different background, might assume all Christians should be vegetarians and eat accordingly. ³But since both are guests at Christ’s table, wouldn’t it be terribly rude if they fell to criticizing what the other ate or didn’t eat? God, after all, invited them both to the table. ⁴Do you have any business crossing people off the guest list or interfering with God’s welcome? If there are corrections to be made or manners to be learned, God can handle that without your help.

⁵Or, say, one person thinks that some days should be set aside as holy and another thinks that each day is pretty much like any other. There are good reasons either way. So, each person is free to follow the convictions of conscience.

⁶What’s important in all this is that if you keep a holy day, keep it for God’s sake; if you eat meat, eat it to the glory of God and thank God for prime rib; if you’re a vegetarian, eat vegetables to the glory of God and thank God for broccoli. ⁷None of us are permitted to insist on our own way in these matters. ⁸It’s God we are answerable to–all the way from life to death and everything in between–not each other. ⁹That’s why Jesus lived and died and then lived again: so that he could be our Master across the entire range of life and death, and free us from the petty tyrannies of each other.

¹⁰So where does that leave you when you criticize a brother? And where does that leave you when you condescend to a sister? I’d say it leaves you looking pretty silly–or worse. Eventually, we’re all going to end up kneeling side by side in the place of judgment, facing God. Your critical and condescending ways aren’t going to improve your position there one bit. ¹¹Read it for yourself in Scripture:

“As I live and breathe,” God says,
“every knee will bow before me;
Every tongue will tell the honest truth
that I and only I am God.”

¹²So tend to your knitting. You’ve got your hands full just taking care of your own life before God.

¹³Forget about deciding what’s right for each other. Here’s what you need to be concerned about: that you don’t get in the way of someone else, making life more difficult than it already is. ¹⁴I’m convinced–Jesus convinced me!-that everything as it is in itself is holy. We, of course, by the way we treat it or talk about it, can contaminate it.

¹⁵If you confuse others by making a big issue over what they eat or don’t eat, you’re no longer a companion with them in love, are you? These, remember, are persons for whom Christ died. Would you risk sending them to hell over an item in their diet? ¹⁶Don’t you dare let a piece of God-blessed food become an occasion of soul-poisoning!

¹⁷God’s kingdom isn’t a matter of what you put in your stomach, for goodness’ sake. It’s what God does with your life as he sets it right, puts it together, and completes it with joy. ¹⁸Your task is to single-mindedly serve Christ. Do that and you’ll kill two birds with one stone: pleasing the God above you and proving your worth to the people around you.

¹⁹So let’s agree to use all our energy in getting along with each other. Help others with encouraging words; ²⁰don’t drag them down by finding fault. You’re certainly not going to permit an argument over what is served or not served at supper to wreck God’s work among you, are you? I said it before and I’ll say it again: All food is good, but it can turn bad if you use it badly, if you use it to trip others up and send them sprawling. ²¹When you sit down to a meal, your primary concern should not be to feed your own face but to share the life of Jesus. So be sensitive and courteous to the others who are eating. Don’t eat or say or do things that might interfere with the free exchange of love.

²²Cultivate your own relationship with God, but don’t impose it on others. You’re fortunate if your behavior and your belief are coherent. ²³But if you’re not sure, if you notice that you are acting in ways inconsistent with what you believe–some days trying to impose your opinions on others, other days just trying to please them–then you know that you’re out of line. If the way you live isn’t consistent with what you believe, then it’s wrong.

I have learned that in so many ways the tone of the church is a huge reflection on how the pastor is personally. If the pastor never shares struggles & always pretends he has his shit together, then the church will reflect the same. I am not saying this is always the case, but seems to be more often than not. If the pastor is open & authentic, then that is reflected as well. I am not sure if the pastor is afraid to be vulnerable or to be viewed differently, but I think it is a risk they have to take. Pastors are leaders who are also sinners on their journey with Christ. They aren’t perfect human beings to be put up on a pedestal. Too many of our church leaders are struggling alone & in complete silence.

The church we have attended the last 3 weeks as been a great time of healing & seeking out how I feel. Do I think this church is the forever place? I am not sure about that, but I do know it is so comforting to just go & sit & be & not do anything. It is a time of rest & healing. The pastor has shared so many honest struggles. There is not any glorifying in sin or anything like that. Just struggles with his son’s drug addiction & the estranged relationship with his parents. The the thing that has really struck me the last few weeks is the pastor really knows his people. He can point around the room & share the struggles & victories his people are experiencing. I honestly feel the reason he knows his because he has made his journey known & this has allowed the people of his church to be open & vulnerable in turn.

Have I been hurt by the church & its people? Deeply. Am I going to wallow in it? Not anymore. The church is full of sinful hurting people just like me. Christ is alive & real in my life & I want to celebrate that & move forward on this journey. I refuse to give into the “fake, smiley, happy, cookie cutter” Christianity. I want to pursue an authentic, radical, passionate relationship with Christ!

In 1994, Tom Hanks as the character Forrest Gump uttered a phrase that would forever define a decade: “Life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what your gonna get.” Now he gave credit to his “momma” for such a pithy and profound statement, and for years I thought it was right on. Recently however my box has been hijacked. My circumstances have shown me that my box of chocolates has been the victim of a massive prank. To loosely paraphrase the comedian Jim Gaffigan talking about chocolate candy, “I got the one with toothpaste in it.”

I think a lot of people carry around this depression that eats at our souls. It’s a cry for something—something we may not even know how to verbalize or explain. It’s a feeling that carries alongside of it an insatiable desire to be fixed. It can be a depression caused by someone else or a recently-experienced loss. It may be a general frustration at the world as it limps its way around the solar system and the little hope that seems to be in it. It may be because your cat howled all night long, and you ran out of pillows to throw at it. Whatever the case, most of us have days, or sometimes several days looped together, where we have this funk attached to us, and anything can trigger it!

Now, I don’t want to sound like there is a huge black hole that is over my head—what I really want to know is how does someone who claims to love and serve Christ find himself in a place where he’s near the point of depression? More importantly, and because I assume that I’m not the only one who finds myself in this place, what do we do when were there? How do we look into the box and deal with what we’ve found?

In a really ironic way, I find hope in my little box of depression. One of my pastors recently reminded our small group that when things are rough, she remembers God’s story. Now this isn’t a just “trust through it” moment. What she meant was: He has been faithful to so many people long before she was even in the picture. In His Word are the stories of His faithfulness to those who’ve gone through hard times, and those stories belong to us; they are our stories too.

If that’s true, then the times when they were depressed and looking at life with more of a smirk then a smile, those times are our stories too. We are there when Elijah motors away from Jezebel and heads to “God’s Mountain” and asks to die. We’re there when Job is sitting in ash listening to his moron friends trying to pour blame down his throat. We’re there when Noah’s leaf withers. We’re there with Mary and Martha when their brother has been in the grave four days.

This is where I find hope—others, often times great people of great faith have been down, frustrated and ready to take the next train out here. Some of these people talk to God, and He reinvigorates their focus—sometimes with a gentle whisper, sometimes with more of a loving jab and sometimes with silence. In most cases, God doesn’t just say, “Hey kid don’t be down, be happy.” No usually it sounds more like, “Don’t fear, I’m here with you, suffering alongside of you, and we have a choice to make.”

I guess this where the other part comes in—He is faithful, even when we can’t feel it, see it or believe it. He is right there with us. When I’m unlovable and grumpy—He’s loving me! When I want the world to be totally flushed—He’s still loving me and giving me a choice. When I wake up in the morning, and I want to stay in bed and hide from the world—He’s there, not condemning me or making me feel guilty.

I love that God can look into our situations and be frustrated with us. Maybe that’s how I deal with it. When the depression comes, when the loneliness sets in, when the last straw has been snapped, He’ll be there—a Father that comforts us even when we bite into our chocolates and find something we weren’t expecting.

I am a complete mess.

That is how I’ve felt lately. I don’t think anyone else thinks so, which in some ways is maybe what is so tragic about it.

I have a friend who doesn’t hide it from anyone that she’s got issues. It seems like every time I talk to her I feel like I’ve been puked on. She tells me the trashier details of her life. She tells me about the guy who she went home with last weekend after a night of clubbing. She calls me frantically when she is afraid that she is pregnant or contracted an STD. She complains about the squishy part of her hips that never disappears despite her obsession with aerobics. She asks me if she should consider liposuction. She shows me her latest round of credit card purchases from Nordstrom’s, and then tells me she’s considering filing for bankruptcy.

I look like a porcelain doll compared to her. But, the porcelain is beginning to crack …

Lately, life has been overwhelming and incomprehensible, and it scares me. I’m afraid to even have a plan or a dream because I’m afraid of being wrong. I’ve been wrong so much lately it seems. I don’t know as much about what I want as I think.

My compassion occasionally grants people the right to walk all over me. My ambition sometimes chokes my relationships, because I forget to slow down and really see people. My goal of excellence pushes me too far, and before I know it I’m expecting perfection from others and myself. My optimism causes me to be hurt by life’s disappointments and failures. My feisty character sometimes causes me to say or do things I regret later. My thirst for knowledge often turns to arrogance. My desire to be known sometimes causes me to act self-important. My self-consciousness prompts me to hide. My independent spirit sometimes alienates people when I actually really need them.

It seems like lately I’ve been erring on the wrong side of my personality, like life is all leaning in one direction, like gravity is pulling me downward when I’d really like to learn how to fly. I’m discovering more and more flaws, more and more things I need to work through.

And I cry out to God to heal me, to give me wisdom in the complexities of life, to grant me the courage and humility to apologize, to allow me to see myself truthfully. Yet, I’m still wrong sometimes. I hurt other people. I hurt myself. I hurt God.

It’s never made sense to me that God would guide me to be wrong. So, I’m surprised at how often I muddle up the things I feel very strongly that God has led me to do. But, at the same time, I don’t regret any fumbled steps. I know God was there with me for each stagger. Maybe it’s possible for God to guide us to do things even though He knows we’re going to flounder and blunder our way through it. Maybe that’s what God’s grace looks like—it fills the gap between our bumpy, messy lives and His glory.

My faults, my failures, my fumbles and my messes … That is where the glory of God comes in and illuminates, not for the sake of my knowing or understanding life, but for my seeing the greatness of God.

Maybe my mistake is in thinking I have to look like porcelain in order for God’s glory to be evident. Maybe I actually have to allow myself to be seen as the mess I really am. Because in my weaknesses, in the cracks in the porcelain, others may see the power and goodness of God.

I doubt I’ll ever think it wise to spill the messy details of my life into just anyone’s lap like my friend does. But, do I spare people the details just to maintain a façade?

I let only a select few into the mess, and I’ve realized that sometimes I shut out the very ones I want in just because I’m afraid that their own lives which look so neat on the surface would be soiled by mine.

And the friends I admire the most are the ones who have allowed me to see their flaws. It is their transparency and their struggle with the mess that I respect. They don’t deny it, but they don’t excuse it either. They fight to be sure that God’s glory can shine even brighter in their lives.

Like me, they would probably claim to have messy lives. But, I don’t see that. I see God’s goodness, His power, His mercy.

May we all give God room to get the glory in our broken, messy lives.

Blair’s bulletin from this morning:
My last update told you that Dad would be allowed to go home on Sunday afternoon if he had a good night on Saturday night and a good morning Sunday morning. He had neither. Due to the lack of heart function, he is retaining too much fluid. Though they are giving him diuretics, the heart is not pumping with enough strength to get the fluid circulated through the kidneys and out. Saturday night, I stayed with him, and he had quite a long coughing fit as he tryed to get his breath. All I could do was pray for him, pray with him, and help the nurse. The nurse finally decided to give him some oxygen, and that helped a bit.

Sunday morning, Dad was told that he would not be going home as he had hoped. He began to negotiate with the doctor… he asked if it would be possible to go home for a day or two instead of staying home until Friday. The doctor told him, “When you are well, you can come back and yell at me. Until then, I am going to make the best decisions possible even if you don’t end up liking them.” The family was happy because we didn’t want him sending Dad home in the first place. The doctor told us he would speak with UAB on Monday morning and see how quickly they could get Dad in.

The doctor came in this morning and told the family that Dad would be transported to UAB today. If we can get him up there soon enough, they will conduct some tests and do bypass surgery tomorrow. Regardless, they will be doing surgery as soon as possible.

It has been one hell of a week. One of Blair’s students, Sean Dennis (a senior), was killed in a car accident this past Sunday night. We have seen how something of this magnitude can impact a small community. There was at least 700 people in attendance at his service this past Thursday night. Blair has lost several students over the years, but for some reason this time it really touched/burdened him. With that starting off our week, it is only natural that one of the girls would get sick. Chloe had strep until Thursday & was finally able to go back to preschool. Now I have a sore throat and fever to start off this weekend! YAY!

As if all that wasn’t enough to stress us out, Blair’s father is in the hospital. Larry went in this past Tuesday for tests & then was admitted to the hospital Wednesday afternoon. Originally, he was told that his heart appeared to be about 30% enlarged & that there was some problems with his liver. They help him get rid of a ton of fluid which seemed to help him feel better by Thursday. Today (Friday), Blair’s dad had a heart cath. performed. We honestly weren’t expecting the news we received at all. We were rather blindsided. The test showed a complete blockage of 3 of the main arteries, a small percentage of flow/function of the heart, and a blood clot within the heart. The main concern is that the heart is too weak for any type of surgery. Plus, a blood clot can be a major problem. The heart specialist is supposed to come around the hospital around 10am tomorrow to tell is what to expect. Everyone, please pray! Blair’s dad is only 63 & has many years of spunk & meanness left in him. We are so fortunate that Larry is in the hospital here in Montgomery & we are able to be up there alot this weekend. My Aunt Teresa in Pelham has been such a blessing & is keeping the girls for us so that we don’t have to worry about who to watch them, etc.

This is gonna be a good year! Obstacles be damned!