Church as truly been a touchy subject for me for over the past year. We have had some hurtful/painful experiences over the last 10 years in ministry. Lately, I have been trying to re-evaluate how I feel & what I am willing to do about it. Through much prayer & soul searching I have come to a few conclusions. First of all, I am not angry or bitter at “the church.” I am sad, hurt & most of all completely frustrated. I just don’t think we are “doing church” the way that Christ intended. I am tired of sitting front to back on Sundays trying to pretend I am not falling apart & that I have my act together. I always thought church was the place to come let all that out. To have support & encouragement from fellow believers who are all walking this journey together. Don’t get me wrong, it is also a place to celebrate!

I have learned that in so many ways the tone of the church is a huge reflection on how the pastor is personally. If the pastor never shares struggles & always pretends he has his shit together, then the church will reflect the same. I am not saying this is always the case, but seems to be more often than not. If the pastor is open & authentic, then that is reflected as well. I am not sure if the pastor is afraid to be vulnerable or to be viewed differently, but I think it is a risk they have to take. Pastors are leaders who are also sinners on their journey with Christ. They aren’t perfect human beings to be put up on a pedestal. Too many of our church leaders are struggling alone & in complete silence.

The church we have attended the last 3 weeks as been a great time of healing & seeking out how I feel. Do I think this church is the forever place? I am not sure about that, but I do know it is so comforting to just go & sit & be & not do anything. It is a time of rest & healing. The pastor has shared so many honest struggles. There is not any glorifying in sin or anything like that. Just struggles with his son’s drug addiction & the estranged relationship with his parents. The the thing that has really struck me the last few weeks is the pastor really knows his people. He can point around the room & share the struggles & victories his people are experiencing. I honestly feel the reason he knows his because he has made his journey known & this has allowed the people of his church to be open & vulnerable in turn.

Have I been hurt by the church & its people? Deeply. Am I going to wallow in it? Not anymore. The church is full of sinful hurting people just like me. Christ is alive & real in my life & I want to celebrate that & move forward on this journey. I refuse to give into the “fake, smiley, happy, cookie cutter” Christianity. I want to pursue an authentic, radical, passionate relationship with Christ!

Well, I actually went to church Sunday. AND it didn’t kill me. I did not feel the urge to stand up & scream during the middle of the service. I also did not cry through the entire service. Plus, I did not leave feeling completely empty & hollow. Sounds like I have made progress!

My Christian Depression by Jim Nichols

In 1994, Tom Hanks as the character Forrest Gump uttered a phrase that would forever define a decade: “Life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what your gonna get.” Now he gave credit to his “momma” for such a pithy and profound statement, and for years I thought it was right on. Recently however my box has been hijacked. My circumstances have shown me that my box of chocolates has been the victim of a massive prank. To loosely paraphrase the comedian Jim Gaffigan talking about chocolate candy, “I got the one with toothpaste in it.”

I think a lot of people carry around this depression that eats at our souls. It’s a cry for something—something we may not even know how to verbalize or explain. It’s a feeling that carries alongside of it an insatiable desire to be fixed. It can be a depression caused by someone else or a recently-experienced loss. It may be a general frustration at the world as it limps its way around the solar system and the little hope that seems to be in it. It may be because your cat howled all night long, and you ran out of pillows to throw at it. Whatever the case, most of us have days, or sometimes several days looped together, where we have this funk attached to us, and anything can trigger it!

Now, I don’t want to sound like there is a huge black hole that is over my head—what I really want to know is how does someone who claims to love and serve Christ find himself in a place where he’s near the point of depression? More importantly, and because I assume that I’m not the only one who finds myself in this place, what do we do when were there? How do we look into the box and deal with what we’ve found?

In a really ironic way, I find hope in my little box of depression. One of my pastors recently reminded our small group that when things are rough, she remembers God’s story. Now this isn’t a just “trust through it” moment. What she meant was: He has been faithful to so many people long before she was even in the picture. In His Word are the stories of His faithfulness to those who’ve gone through hard times, and those stories belong to us; they are our stories too.

If that’s true, then the times when they were depressed and looking at life with more of a smirk then a smile, those times are our stories too. We are there when Elijah motors away from Jezebel and heads to “God’s Mountain” and asks to die. We’re there when Job is sitting in ash listening to his moron friends trying to pour blame down his throat. We’re there when Noah’s leaf withers. We’re there with Mary and Martha when their brother has been in the grave four days.

This is where I find hope—others, often times great people of great faith have been down, frustrated and ready to take the next train out here. Some of these people talk to God, and He reinvigorates their focus—sometimes with a gentle whisper, sometimes with more of a loving jab and sometimes with silence. In most cases, God doesn’t just say, “Hey kid don’t be down, be happy.” No usually it sounds more like, “Don’t fear, I’m here with you, suffering alongside of you, and we have a choice to make.”

I guess this where the other part comes in—He is faithful, even when we can’t feel it, see it or believe it. He is right there with us. When I’m unlovable and grumpy—He’s loving me! When I want the world to be totally flushed—He’s still loving me and giving me a choice. When I wake up in the morning, and I want to stay in bed and hide from the world—He’s there, not condemning me or making me feel guilty.

I love that God can look into our situations and be frustrated with us. Maybe that’s how I deal with it. When the depression comes, when the loneliness sets in, when the last straw has been snapped, He’ll be there—a Father that comforts us even when we bite into our chocolates and find something we weren’t expecting.

Since it is Thanksgiving, I thought I would post a few things I am thankful for:

1. I am thankful for my family. As dysfunctional as it may be over the years, I am thankful to have a mom & aunt who are loving & down to earth.
2. I am thankful for my husband. He puts up with me being hormonal & irrational more days than I care to admit.
3. I am thankful for my 2 little girls. I was looking at them yesterday and thinking how much they add to my life. My life would be boring without them. They make me laugh, cry, want to pull my hair out.
4. I am thankful for God. Without Him I am nothing.
5. I am thankful for my job. Most days I love it. Even through the stress it is fulfilling. I especially enjoy making eyeglasses for young children. It is fun to watch them put on their first pair of glasses.

We had a wonderfully quiet Thanksgiving yesterday. My mom & her boyfriend were supposed to join us for Thanksgiving. On Monday her boyfriend’s 16 year old son was killed in a car accident in Florida. Copy & past the following link: http://www.bradenton.com/mld/bradenton/news/local/16071844.htm?source=rss&channel=bradenton_local It is just gut wrenching to even think of losing a child. Understandably, mom has been with Jerry this week as he goes to the scene of the accident, memorial at the school & funeral on Friday.
Yesterday, Blair & I decided to have a relaxing family day instead of traveling. I had a special cinnamon roll breakfast with the girls. Blair made a huge lunch of turkey, mashed potatoes, okra, corn, lima beans, peas, etc. The girls played outside because the weather was gorgeous. After lunch came naptime! After naps we took the girls to see the movie Happy Feet. Popcorn, Skittles, & Coke! We had a casual dinner at home after the movie. It was a relaxing, quiet day indeed!

Don’t be fooled by me.
Don’t be fooled by the face I wear
for I wear a mask, a thousand masks,
masks that I’m afraid to take off,
and none of them is me.
Pretending is an art that’s second nature with me,
but don’t be fooled,
for God’s sake don’t be fooled.
I give you the impression that I’m secure,
that all is sunny and unruffled with me, within as well as without,
that confidence is my name and coolness my game,
that the water’s calm and I’m in command,
and that I need no one,
but don’t believe me.
My surface may seem smooth but my surface is my mask,
ever-varying and ever-concealing.
Beneath lies no complacence.
Beneath lies confusion, and fear, and aloneness.
But I hide this.  I don’t want anybody to know it.

I panic at the thought of my weakness exposed.
That’s why I frantically create a mask to hide behind,
a nonchalant sophisticated facade, to help me pretend,
to shield me from the glance that knows.

But such a glance is precisely my salvation,
My only hope, and I know it.
That is, if it’s followed by acceptance,
if it’s followed by love.
It’s the only thing that can liberate me from myself,
from my own self-built prison walls,
from the barriers I so painstakingly erect.
It’s the only thing that will assure me
of what I can’t assure myself,
that I’m really worth something.
But I don’t tell you this.  I don’t dare to, I’m afraid to.
I’m afraid your glance will not be followed by acceptance,
will not be followed by love.
I’m afraid you’ll think less of me,
that you’ll laugh, and your laugh would kill me.
I’m afraid that deep-down I’m nothing
and that you will see this and reject me.

So I play my game, my desperate pretending game,
with a facade of assurance without
and a trembling child within.
So begins the glittering but empty parade of masks,
and my life becomes a front.
I tell you everything that’s really nothing,
and nothing of what’s everything,
of what’s crying within me.
So when I’m going through my routine
do not be fooled by what I’m saying.
Please listen carefully and try to hear what I’m not saying,
what I’d like to be able to say,
what for survival I need to say,
but what I can’t say.

I don’t like hiding.
I don’t like playing superficial phony games.
I want to stop playing them.
I want to be genuine and spontaneous and me
but you’ve got to help me.
You’ve got to hold out your hand
even when that’s the last thing I seem to want.
Only you can wipe away from my eyes
the blank stare of the breathing dead.
Only you can call me into aliveness.
Each time you’re kind, and gentle, and encouraging,
each time you try to understand because you really care,
my heart begins to grow wings–
very small wings,
very feeble wings,
but wings!

With your power to touch me into feeling
you can breathe life into me.
I want you to know that.
I want you to know how important you are to me,
how you can be a creator–an honest-to-God creator–
of the person that is me
if you choose to.
You alone can break down the wall behind which I tremble,
you alone can remove my mask,
you alone can release me from my shadow-world of panic,
from my lonely prison,
if you choose to.
Please choose to.

Do not pass me by.
It will not be easy for you.
A long conviction of worthlessness builds strong walls.
The nearer you approach to me
the blinder I may strike back.
It’s irrational, but despite what the books say about man
often I am irrational.
I fight against the very thing I cry out for.
But I am told that love is stronger than strong walls
and in this lies my hope.
Please try to beat down those walls
with firm hands but with gentle hands
for a child is very sensitive.
Who am I, you may wonder?
I am someone you know very well.
For I am every man you meet
and I am every woman you meet.

Since I was diagnosed with Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome this summer, I have had so many people ask me what PCOS actually is. I am going to post a brief overview.

These are some of the symptoms of PCOS:

• infrequent menstrual periods, no menstrual periods, and/or irregular bleeding
• acne, oily skin, or dandruff
• pelvic pain
• weight gain or obesity, usually carrying extra weight around the waist
• type 2 diabetes
• high cholesterol
• high blood pressure
• patches of thickened and dark brown or black skin on the neck, arms, breasts, or thighs
• skin tags, or tiny excess flaps of skin in the armpits or neck area
• sleep apnea―excessive snoring and breathing stops at times while asleep
• insulin problems

The main problems that I had which led up to a diagnosis was high blood pressure, weight gain, large cysts on my ovaries & extreme pelvic pain. There are many women who have this disease.

For more info: www.soulcysters.com.

I have such a diverse taste in music. Lately I think it has become even more scattered. Music really speaks to me in so many ways………

What I have been listening to lately: (some might surprise you!)

Mushroomhead - Savior Sorrow More of a heavy hard rock sound. Song 2, Simple Survival, is my favorite. This has been a great cd to exercise to.

Stone Sour Wow, another heavy one. Clean the house to it!

Jeremy Camp - Live Unplugged I wasn’t a huge Jeremy fan before this, but really dig the acoustic sound he has. Very worshipful & mellow. The song Empty Me gets me every time!

Hinder - Extreme Behavior I actually only like a couple of songs on this one. The song Lips of an Angel is one. It has gotten alot of airplay.

Joss Stone - Soul Sessions Very soulful! I like this one for something a little different. It is a short cd.

Chris Tomlin - See the Morning This is the cd for worship & alone time.

Charlotte Martin - On your Shore I have been on a chics playing piano kick lately. I love the lyrics to alot of her songs. I can really relate.

Missy Higgins - Sound of White Another chic singing with piano & guitar. I just have not gotten sick of this cd yet. Played it over & over. Mellow out & drink coffee music.

AFI- Decemberunderground Play this alot at work. Some screamo going on. Very upbeat.

Evanescence- The Open Door You can never go wrong with Evanescence. I think I have a heterosexual crush on Amy Lee. She is so pretty & her voice is outstanding!

David Ford - I Sincerely Apologize for the Trouble I’ve Caused Singer song writer guy. Mellow & mildly depressing in a good way.

There are just so many artists/musicians that I listen to on a regular basis. I am in the van alot listening to my I-Pod. It takes me 45 minutes to get the girls dropped off & 30 min to work & 30 min back. Also, I work in a lab where we have music on at all times (well, with exception to Sat. football games. UGH). So you figure 40 hours a week at work of listening time. I wish I had some musical gift or ability. I would love to be able to play guitar, piano or have a nice voice. Regardless, I live through music!

What a long week! I started off by working Sunday. Blair had class Monday & Tuesday night. Blair brought the girls to me at work on Halloween & I had to rush & dress them there. Jordyn & Chloe both were Stanhope Elmore High School cheerleaders. In fact, we had real cheerleader outfits from the school that we modified to fit. The girls & I ate at Chappy’s Deli & enjoyed seeing all the little kids dressed up there with their parents. After that, I took them to my brother-in-law’s church for the Halloween festivities. Blair left class early then met us there. They played games, ate popcorn & pranced around for about an hour. We were all exhausted so we did not stay long. Wednesday my big boss was at the store a good part of the day & then we did not get home until 7:30 that night. That doesn’t sound late, but when you get up at 5:30, leave the house shortly after 7am & are busy all day! Whew! Thursday I worked late & made it home about 7:30. When I got home, the girls were still up. I took one look at Jordyn & asked Blair how long the red spots had been on her face. Of course, the response was- What spots? Long story short, Jordyn has the chicken pox! Evidently, a vaccine does not mean that they won’t actually get it. At least with the vaccine, the chicken pox will mean less spots & fewer days. Hopefully she will be back at school on Tuesday. It broke her heart to miss. She asked me how in the heck is she supposed to learn if I don’t let her go to school. I traded work schedules & stayed on with her today. Blair will be here taking care of her on Sat/Sunday. Then me on Monday. It is so hard juggling my job, Blair’s job, Blair’s graduate school & the kids both in school.

It seems that it is always something that keeps us busy. This week I feel like I am spinning! Less than a month, though, & Blair & I will be in New York without the kids. I won’t have to take care of anyone but myself & I won’t have to clean a dang thing!!!!!

Here’s a prayer to see broken lives healed.

A prayer to see people in chains set free.

A prayer to see my eyes opened & my heart laughing.

A prayer to see the fatty layer of comfort that surrounds my apathetic life being ripped off, exposing the person I try so hard to hide.

A prayer to see our western culture less interested in hoarding & more interested in giving. Less interested in possessions & more interested in life.

A prayer to see my sick heart a little less filled with sin & a little more filled with love.

Change our hearts, Father-You’re our only chance.

My heart is so heavy today. In fact, I think it is actually dragging the ground……..

Free by Shawn Mcdonald

I feel like the weight of the world is, Crashing down on me
& some how I just don’t believe, This how it is suppose to be
All this expectation on, the way I’m suppose to live
Becomes my minds distraction, with nothing left to give

You said your burden is light & Your load is no more
You said your ways are right & in you I will soar

I want to be free, Free to dance & free to sing
Free to live & learn & free oh, free to be me

I feel like my Heart is being Beat, down into the ground,
In you I’m longing for some peace, to be found
I know the heaviness that’s, making me cold
Is stealing my youthful soul & making me old

You said your burden is light & Your load is no more
You said your ways are right & in you I will soar

I want to be free, Free to dance & free to sing
Free to live & learn & free oh, free to be me