Church as truly been a touchy subject for me for over the past year. We have had some hurtful/painful experiences over the last 10 years in ministry. Lately, I have been trying to re-evaluate how I feel & what I am willing to do about it. Through much prayer & soul searching I have come to a few conclusions. First of all, I am not angry or bitter at “the church.” I am sad, hurt & most of all completely frustrated. I just don’t think we are “doing church” the way that Christ intended. I am tired of sitting front to back on Sundays trying to pretend I am not falling apart & that I have my act together. I always thought church was the place to come let all that out. To have support & encouragement from fellow believers who are all walking this journey together. Don’t get me wrong, it is also a place to celebrate!

I have learned that in so many ways the tone of the church is a huge reflection on how the pastor is personally. If the pastor never shares struggles & always pretends he has his shit together, then the church will reflect the same. I am not saying this is always the case, but seems to be more often than not. If the pastor is open & authentic, then that is reflected as well. I am not sure if the pastor is afraid to be vulnerable or to be viewed differently, but I think it is a risk they have to take. Pastors are leaders who are also sinners on their journey with Christ. They aren’t perfect human beings to be put up on a pedestal. Too many of our church leaders are struggling alone & in complete silence.

The church we have attended the last 3 weeks as been a great time of healing & seeking out how I feel. Do I think this church is the forever place? I am not sure about that, but I do know it is so comforting to just go & sit & be & not do anything. It is a time of rest & healing. The pastor has shared so many honest struggles. There is not any glorifying in sin or anything like that. Just struggles with his son’s drug addiction & the estranged relationship with his parents. The the thing that has really struck me the last few weeks is the pastor really knows his people. He can point around the room & share the struggles & victories his people are experiencing. I honestly feel the reason he knows his because he has made his journey known & this has allowed the people of his church to be open & vulnerable in turn.

Have I been hurt by the church & its people? Deeply. Am I going to wallow in it? Not anymore. The church is full of sinful hurting people just like me. Christ is alive & real in my life & I want to celebrate that & move forward on this journey. I refuse to give into the “fake, smiley, happy, cookie cutter” Christianity. I want to pursue an authentic, radical, passionate relationship with Christ!