Scenes of you come rushing through
You are breaking me down
So break me into pieces
That will grow in the ground
I know that I deserve to die
For the murder in my heart
So be gentle with me Jesus
As you tear me apart

Teach me to be humble
Call me from the grave
Show me how to walk with you upon the waves
Breathe into my spirit
Breathe into my veins
Until only love remains

I have had a really long, busy, stressful week at work. The other day while leaving I commented to Blair that I sure hoped the house looked better, not worse when I got home from work.

His response, “I will make sure to turn off all the lights so that it is dark when you get home.”

He is such a nerd!

Romans 14 from the Message

¹Welcome with open arms fellow believers who don’t see things the way you do. And don’t jump all over them every time they do or say something you don’t agree with–even when it seems that they are strong on opinions but weak in the faith department. Remember, they have their own history to deal with. Treat them gently.

²For instance, a person who has been around for a while might well be convinced that he can eat anything on the table, while another, with a different background, might assume all Christians should be vegetarians and eat accordingly. ³But since both are guests at Christ’s table, wouldn’t it be terribly rude if they fell to criticizing what the other ate or didn’t eat? God, after all, invited them both to the table. ⁴Do you have any business crossing people off the guest list or interfering with God’s welcome? If there are corrections to be made or manners to be learned, God can handle that without your help.

⁵Or, say, one person thinks that some days should be set aside as holy and another thinks that each day is pretty much like any other. There are good reasons either way. So, each person is free to follow the convictions of conscience.

⁶What’s important in all this is that if you keep a holy day, keep it for God’s sake; if you eat meat, eat it to the glory of God and thank God for prime rib; if you’re a vegetarian, eat vegetables to the glory of God and thank God for broccoli. ⁷None of us are permitted to insist on our own way in these matters. ⁸It’s God we are answerable to–all the way from life to death and everything in between–not each other. ⁹That’s why Jesus lived and died and then lived again: so that he could be our Master across the entire range of life and death, and free us from the petty tyrannies of each other.

¹⁰So where does that leave you when you criticize a brother? And where does that leave you when you condescend to a sister? I’d say it leaves you looking pretty silly–or worse. Eventually, we’re all going to end up kneeling side by side in the place of judgment, facing God. Your critical and condescending ways aren’t going to improve your position there one bit. ¹¹Read it for yourself in Scripture:

“As I live and breathe,” God says,
“every knee will bow before me;
Every tongue will tell the honest truth
that I and only I am God.”

¹²So tend to your knitting. You’ve got your hands full just taking care of your own life before God.

¹³Forget about deciding what’s right for each other. Here’s what you need to be concerned about: that you don’t get in the way of someone else, making life more difficult than it already is. ¹⁴I’m convinced–Jesus convinced me!-that everything as it is in itself is holy. We, of course, by the way we treat it or talk about it, can contaminate it.

¹⁵If you confuse others by making a big issue over what they eat or don’t eat, you’re no longer a companion with them in love, are you? These, remember, are persons for whom Christ died. Would you risk sending them to hell over an item in their diet? ¹⁶Don’t you dare let a piece of God-blessed food become an occasion of soul-poisoning!

¹⁷God’s kingdom isn’t a matter of what you put in your stomach, for goodness’ sake. It’s what God does with your life as he sets it right, puts it together, and completes it with joy. ¹⁸Your task is to single-mindedly serve Christ. Do that and you’ll kill two birds with one stone: pleasing the God above you and proving your worth to the people around you.

¹⁹So let’s agree to use all our energy in getting along with each other. Help others with encouraging words; ²⁰don’t drag them down by finding fault. You’re certainly not going to permit an argument over what is served or not served at supper to wreck God’s work among you, are you? I said it before and I’ll say it again: All food is good, but it can turn bad if you use it badly, if you use it to trip others up and send them sprawling. ²¹When you sit down to a meal, your primary concern should not be to feed your own face but to share the life of Jesus. So be sensitive and courteous to the others who are eating. Don’t eat or say or do things that might interfere with the free exchange of love.

²²Cultivate your own relationship with God, but don’t impose it on others. You’re fortunate if your behavior and your belief are coherent. ²³But if you’re not sure, if you notice that you are acting in ways inconsistent with what you believe–some days trying to impose your opinions on others, other days just trying to please them–then you know that you’re out of line. If the way you live isn’t consistent with what you believe, then it’s wrong.

Church as truly been a touchy subject for me for over the past year. We have had some hurtful/painful experiences over the last 10 years in ministry. Lately, I have been trying to re-evaluate how I feel & what I am willing to do about it. Through much prayer & soul searching I have come to a few conclusions. First of all, I am not angry or bitter at “the church.” I am sad, hurt & most of all completely frustrated. I just don’t think we are “doing church” the way that Christ intended. I am tired of sitting front to back on Sundays trying to pretend I am not falling apart & that I have my act together. I always thought church was the place to come let all that out. To have support & encouragement from fellow believers who are all walking this journey together. Don’t get me wrong, it is also a place to celebrate!

I have learned that in so many ways the tone of the church is a huge reflection on how the pastor is personally. If the pastor never shares struggles & always pretends he has his shit together, then the church will reflect the same. I am not saying this is always the case, but seems to be more often than not. If the pastor is open & authentic, then that is reflected as well. I am not sure if the pastor is afraid to be vulnerable or to be viewed differently, but I think it is a risk they have to take. Pastors are leaders who are also sinners on their journey with Christ. They aren’t perfect human beings to be put up on a pedestal. Too many of our church leaders are struggling alone & in complete silence.

The church we have attended the last 3 weeks as been a great time of healing & seeking out how I feel. Do I think this church is the forever place? I am not sure about that, but I do know it is so comforting to just go & sit & be & not do anything. It is a time of rest & healing. The pastor has shared so many honest struggles. There is not any glorifying in sin or anything like that. Just struggles with his son’s drug addiction & the estranged relationship with his parents. The the thing that has really struck me the last few weeks is the pastor really knows his people. He can point around the room & share the struggles & victories his people are experiencing. I honestly feel the reason he knows his because he has made his journey known & this has allowed the people of his church to be open & vulnerable in turn.

Have I been hurt by the church & its people? Deeply. Am I going to wallow in it? Not anymore. The church is full of sinful hurting people just like me. Christ is alive & real in my life & I want to celebrate that & move forward on this journey. I refuse to give into the “fake, smiley, happy, cookie cutter” Christianity. I want to pursue an authentic, radical, passionate relationship with Christ!

Well, I actually went to church Sunday. AND it didn’t kill me. I did not feel the urge to stand up & scream during the middle of the service. I also did not cry through the entire service. Plus, I did not leave feeling completely empty & hollow. Sounds like I have made progress!