May 8th, 2006
Some ways to annoy me
Posted by
Miranda in
Me
- Act like you didn’t just pull out in front of me. I’ll act as if I didn’t just make that hand gesture in your direction
- Drive like a grandma, all slow and wiggly and crap.
- Offer a six-months same as cash option on a loan. You may as well just beat me up and steal my wallet.
- Grow your sideburns into the shape and size of Louisiana. It’s hurtful.
- Wash your car with a squeegee and two paper towels at Chevron. I thought I was white trash.
- Shake those Christmas presents I just put under the tree. Don’t be crying when I slap your hands.
- Refuse to let Britney grow up. Apparently, she’s not that innocent.
- Tell me to stop drinking so much caffeine. You’re my OBGYN, what do you know?
- Shave your face in the sink and leave a two-foot puddle of hairy water brimming on the countertop.
- Write me a ticket for going only 25 mph over the speed limit. Be glad you caught me when I was obviously sedated.
- Drive four inches behind the car in front of you, at 87 mph.
- Slow down to a complete stop at an intersection that clearly doesn’t require it. Stop signs are just suggestions.
- When I catch you picking your nose in your car, instantly pretend that it was just an itch you had to scratch. That’s a mighty deep itch.
- Get together with your band of birds and poop all over my mailbox.
- Call me while I’m sleeping, and after I tell you that I’m sleeping, continue to jabber like a monkey.
- Use the last piece of toilet paper in the whole state of Alabama, leaving me to fend for myself.
- Call me ma’am over & over. I am only 30 dangit!!!!
- Refer to me as Mrs. Andress. I keep looking around for my mother-in-law.
- Defile the sacred and holy Oreo by eating it all at once, you insensitive, uncivilized turd. You must first remove one of the crunchy chocolate sides by slowly twisting the cookie in half. Then you lick white filling until it has been completely removed using your teeth only when necessary and even then very delicately so as not to scar the tender inner cookie. And then, THEN you may eat each chocolate half one at a time. Slowly. This is the only way to honor the Oreo.
- Destroy the pile of clothing that I have just folded, ripping and jerking and tossing clothes across the room with such exasperation you’d think that you had ANYTHING to be exasperated about. I’m folding YOUR clothes. BOW BEFORE ME.
- Discover and proceed to explore your private parts while I’m trying to change your poopy diaper. Just stop.
- Whole. Raisins. Undigested. In the poop.
Raisins she ate only two hours ago. Potty train, soon!
- Flap your arms like a migrating duck while I try to put your clothes on. . Hold still, kid!
- Pronounce Walmart like Wal-Marts. Have you no soul?
- Give me that stern, exasperated look when I lift up on the car door handle at the precise moment you try to unlock the car. I cannot help it. It is a genetic disorder.
- Ask me if your fart stinks as if I would actually consider undertaking that investigation.
- Scream as I pull a shirt over your head and stick your arm through the sleeve, as if this is some sort of new torture I am inflicting on you, as if you haven’t had a shirt pulled over your head every single day of your life. Still youngun.
- Sneeze and spew 40 apple jacks out of your mouth across the room. One at a time, baby. one. at. a. time. child.
- Forget to tell me that you have turned the toaster to level burn the crap out of it, and then when I go to toast a waffle I burn down the neighborhood.
- Give my child a toy that makes noise. May you contract a flesh eating disease and have your guts devoured by locusts. LOUD locusts.
- Poop so violently that it shoots out your diaper, up your back, and into your hair. Who taught you that?
- Wait until I lie down to take a nap before you call me. My phone never rings.
- Smear your sticky hands on the oven door & dishwasher door one more time.
- Suggest that I name my baby Bob so that they will never write their name backwards.
- Ask me how to spell Miranda 3 times. It isn’t like I am asking you to spell scrumpdillyishus.
- Sign up to do an episode of “Trading Spaces” and act all surprised when the designer replaces your bedspread with ASTRO TURF. What did you expect?
- Charge me $4.50 for a cup of coffee and then tell me to stir it myself. For $4.50 you’d better be wiping my tail.
- Continue driving 50 miles an hour in the far left fast lane. Slow traffic keep right! Did you not notice the 8 million cars passing you on the right?
- When someone asks why it takes a WHOLE hour for me to make a pair of eyeglasses. Have you not heard the words, Hand Crafted Eyewear.
- Okay…..I will stop now. Everyone should have a blog so that they can vent, rage, laugh & just let it all hang out.
