For the past several weeks I feel like I have been fighting a losing battle. I’m doing everything I know how to do to cope with feelings of hopelessness and frustration and an overwhelming sense of failure.

Some days I stare eternity in the face and I think about how many diapers I will change that will only get dirty, towels I will wash that will only become soiled, dishes I will load into the dishwasher that we’ll use to eat again and again, and I feel utterly useless, as if I am fighting a battle that cannot be won.

Some days my life is reduced to an hour by hour game of survival and I don’t feel like I’ll make it another 15 minutes and I can’t believe I feel this way and I can’t stop crying.

I hate feeling this way.

Chemical depression runs in my family: my father (when he was alive), aunts, uncles, grandparents, etc. Too much is misunderstood about depression, and too many people do not take it seriously. Everyone has an opinion & judgment about depression & medication. “Christians” seem to be the most judgmental of all sometimes. They assume you are not bringing your problems to God in prayer or that you do not have enough faith. Or they say, “It is Satan’s attack.” yada, yada, yada. I love God with all my heart & cling to him desperately. All I know is the reality of my life & feelings. For many months & months, I have felt totally alone, frustrated & defeated. Finally, I have admitted that I needed to seek help. I want to feel like ME again. There have been short seasons in life where I have dealt with depression. Again, I have entered a season. I don’t want to just “make” it through each day. I want to enjoy life. I want to find happiness in things that used to thrill me! Music, scrapbooking, my children, my marriage!

Listen to music a little louder, dance a little crazier, sing out loud in the shower, honk your horn for no reason, give your dog an extra treat, call your mother and tell her you love her, hug your friends even if they aren’t the touchy-feely type, eat french fries once even though your diet tells you not to, walk around your house naked, and hold tight to your family!