Today has been one of those days, thus far, where I want to scream. I mean scream at the top of my lungs.

Chloe(2 1/2) and Jordyn(4 1/2) have made me crazy. Well, at least crazier than I was yesterday.
My day as a part-time stay-at-home mom started out fine. I did not even hear Blair leave for school, nor did I hear Jordyn get up and rummage for a pop-tart.

And then Chloe woke up… mad! Chloe is so spirited & a bundle of wildness!

Much too unhappy to allow me time to prepare a Martha Stewart meal or rake a comb through my tangled, nappy hair. I tied it all back in a ponytail as usual and made the stunning Poptart, cereal, fruit and apple juice breakfast. But soon after, things got rough. Chloe screaming and fussing at Jordyn. Jordyn screaming and fussing at Chloe. Jordyn mad because Chloe licked her and Chloe mad because Jordyn touched her. Jordyn mad because the play shovel in the yard has dirt on it. Chloe mad that I had to clean the Pop-tart out of her hair. And on and on it goes.

I’d like to say these kinds of days are a rarity, but as any mother can tell you, most of us can expect at least a few a week. Sometimes seven. I get frustrated when I think of the chores yet to finish, the toilets to scrub, the piles of laundry to fold. And yet, when I tell Blair that I am gonna run away, I know that I could not live without seeing those dirty little faces every day.

That is the funny thing about motherhood. Motherhood offers more rewards—and more heartache—than anything you’ll ever encounter. Just when you think you’re going to lose all ounce of sanity, you glance over and see them blinking back tears of sorrow with that bottom lip poked out—and instead of cracking, you melt. Things slide into perspective and you hug them so hard they could break. How could I possibly love them any more?

God loves my kids more than I do. He promises to sustain me when I’m fed up and want to run out the door screaming. I like this promise from Isaiah.

Even to your old age and gray hairs,
I am he, I am He who will sustain you
I have made, and I will carry you;
I have made you and I will carry you.
(Isaiah 46:4, TNIV)

God’s grace is sufficient to fill in the gaps in my mothering, and that makes my effort worthwhile.

God loves me just as much as He loves my children.
Parenting isn’t just about the growth of my children. It’s about me maturing and learning about myself. Growing in Christ.

God’s favor is my primary reward.
It is okay if somedays my kids just don’t like me and think I am crazy. My kids aren’t always going to say thank you. Thank you for letting me eat the food off of your plate instead of my own. Thank you for not getting a shower to be with me. Thank you for letting me use the shirt you just washed to clean the dirt off of my outdoor Barbie jeep. Thank you for letting me cling to your leg at every moment. Instead of my reward being a thank you from them, it should be me seeking to find favor with Christ. This takes the pressure off of my kids to fulfill me. It helps me look back to God, which is what I should have been doing all along.

I could list more than three lessons I’ve learned in my 4 short years of mothering. Things like never trust the kids when they are quiet come to mind.

The lessons like this are the hardest for me to grasp. That’s why I carry them so close to my heart. I never really imagined myself in this place. Mothering has taken my confidence by storm. I’m here by myself all day with these little runts who look to me for EVERYTHING—and I’m afraid. Since birth, these little ones have challenged me in every way possible. It offers payoffs greater than the mind can fathom. I can think outside myself in ways I never knew how. And I’m consistently, continually, drawn back to my God.

This, in itself, is the greatest gift of them all. I do look forward to the day my children say “thank you.” I look forward to seeing them grow up in Christ. But truly, I think I’m getting a slice of the bigger picture. By finding myself at God’s feet again and again every day, not only am I growing, but my children see my growth, and learn from it. Together, then, we four forge ahead. It’s not an easy path, but it’s beautiful. I wouldn’t trade it for ANYTHING in the world.